General Dating Questions/Pesky crush
QUESTION: Hi Dennis, Thanks for being a volunteer on this site and helping people like me with questions!
I am a woman im my 20s and there's a guy I work with indirectly who I have a massive crush on. He calls me at work at least four times a week and texts me with work questions before I get to work most days. He really doesn't need to call or text me at all, especially not more than once a week. These are not urgent questions or things that couldn't be done over email. My coworkers ask if he has a crush on me; some even assume he is my boyfriend when he calls. He unexpectedly showed up at my work TWICE last week to deliver things for the company. He does not have any reason to come in person unless there's an error, which didn't happen. He says he is seeing someone and I'm confused. He knows I am into him because I asked him out a while ago.
It's getting old. This has been going on for months and he's never asked to spend time with me outside work or texted me about anything that wasn't work related. I'm embarrassed to admit I can't get over him. Still, it's leading nowhere.
How can I change my dynamic with this guy? I have tried switching over to email-only communication but he doesn't respond. I either need to date him or free myself of the illusion, it's driving me nuts!
ANSWER: Hello Emerald!
You told me you asked him out (good for you by the way!) but you didn't tell me what happened. Did you go out with him or not? If so what was the outcome?
It appears as though he's attracted to you but is either scared or ignorant of how to move things forward with you. Unfortunately, that's not uncommon these days.
You need to nail him down on this or it's going to drive you nuts.
The very next time you see him take a more direct approach. Just ask him if he's ever going to find the balls to ask you out or not. If not then put your foot down and tell him to go email-only from now on because he's becoming a distraction and the rest of the office is beginning to talk.
It's sad that it has to come to that but prolonging this isn't in your best interest.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Your response was so honest and to the point. I love that! Thank you.
When I asked him out he said he was seeing someone otherwise he would go out with me. He didn't explain what he meant by "seeing someone". Wouldn't it make me seem a little crazy to pin him down and tell him he needs to make a decision if he already told me no? Also, how would this be different than trying to convince him he is attracted to me? Is there a particular reason I should only do this face to face?
If I tell him I only want to communicate by email and he fails to follow up I will still need to contact him. Basically, if he decides not to go along with my request then I will be stuck talking to him anyway. If I know guys at all he will think it's funny and I will remain frustrated.
Also, if I have to pin him down to get an answer is it even worth it? Doesn't it seem like dating him would just lead topre frustration?
Hello again Emerald!
You're very welcome.
It sounds like you're more afraid of losing him than of going through all this turmoil.
Frankly, just because he's seeing someone doesn't make her a better choice for him than you. It's not your job to decide that for him either. It's your job to give him the choice.
No. It wouldn't seem crazy at all. It is strategic. More important it tells him that your not going to hang on forever and that he'd better get moving or risk losing you.
You do this face to face so that he knows your serious about things.
As I said before guys today simply don't knower they're doing. I wish they did but hold out expecting him to get it is going to be a long wait.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder