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General Dating Questions/Stop a bad relationship from escalating?

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QUESTION: Hi Dr. Neder!

I have a question.

Ok let's say you are heavily involved in a relationship, have been dating for some time, and are madly in love. But then things don't go the way you planned and take a drastic wrong turn.

Let's take Jodi Arias and OJ Simpson. Both nearly decapitated their victims and then kept on stabbing them repeatedly even after death. Yikes.

What should Nicole Brown and Travis Alexander (victims) have done differently?

Do you feel that they felt "oh they would never hurt me, we were in love once" and took it for granted they would never get killed?

Nicole was terrified of OJ stalking her but maybe she thought he would never actually do it.

Travis was terrified of Jodi stalking him and slashing his tires at work but of course never thought she would actually do anything to him because they were meeting up for sex again....and she's a GIRL... lol.

OJ is a powerful huge guy, that's one thing, but yea a tiny girl slicing a man up? That's nuts!

Wow have times changed!

I mean you hear about women being terrified of men stalking them, but man, guys aren't even safe from women stalkers decapitating them either.

Both complained to the cops but either weren't taken seriously, or never clearly indicated to the cops how much of a danger they were in. (Travis assumed as a man he would be fine)

Sometimes the police can't even do anything really. After a few years the police will back off and then this will all start again.

When you are in a bad love relationship gone sour and someone is obsessed with you, how do you stop it from escalating into violence?

If you were dating Jodi Arias (not knowing that she was crazy) and then this stuff started happening, and you realized she was a psycho, what would you have done? How would you stop her from slicing your neck?

thanks
Ana

ANSWER: Hello Ana!

Alright, let's begin with a little context here.

You've mentioned two specific cases. Sure, there are probably hundreds more but stop and think about the MILLIONS of relationships out there where nobody gets decapitated or killed or even injured. Violence in relationships is NOT the norm it's the exception and that's what makes it newsworthy.

Do you think you're more likely to be decapitated in a car crash or from your lover? The odds are way, WAY more likely to happen in a car, right? Yet, how many people do you know that has happened to? How many more do you know that drove to work today who still have their heads.

Ana, the point I'm making is that you can't live your life based on sensationalism in the news.

The next point to make is that you seem to believe that all of this violence was just out of the blue; that something in these people snapped and they went nuts. Don't believe it. These are psychopaths with psychopathic behavior.

It's extremely rare - even more rare than getting one's throat cut - that a person goes from completely normal to psychopathic killer. I doubt that Brown or Alexander expected to die on the days they did, but trust me: they knew there were some very bad possibilities. They ignored those in favor of having what they wanted.

Another sensational story was the one a number of years ago about John and Lorena Bobbitt. Stop and think about that one for a moment - that had to be the BEST sex the guy had ever had in his entire life! By the way; that's often true of crazy people - they are incredible lovers. I won't go into all the psychology behind this, but trust me it's true.

Not only did John have his penis cut off by Lorena, after she got out of jail, he actually went back to her! Think about that. Do you believe that he's any less responsible for his own situation than she is? Do you think that Alexander or Brown are any less responsible for their own situations either? I don't care what you want to believe (because we all want to believe that there are only "victims" and "perpetrators") but each is responsible in their own way.

There is a much larger issue at play here that seems unrelated. It's the new national craze about bullying.

You know that my best-sellers are all under the heading of "Being a Man in a Woman's World". Many have asked me just what in the hell I'm talking about saying it's a "woman's world" but in fact, it absolutely is - and is becoming more of one every single day.

Right now, people are forming organizations, lobbying congress, writing books and screenplays - all about trying to get some authority figure to end bullying; whether through legislation or policy or edict or punishment or something.

This is the WRONG approach; and in fact, is a very feminine way of dealing with a problem like this. It goes back to victim/perpetrator mentality. As you so clearly pointed out, the police have very little they can do before someone is killed in these situations - any more than when someone is bullied. All they can do is pass their ridiculous laws and policies that eventually get totally out of hand and make everyone involved look foolish - while not solving the problem in the first place! Take a look at the 8-year-old kid that was recently expelled from school for point a pencil like a gun!

Yeah, that sure ended bullying at that school, right? Of course not.

The answer to situations like Brown's, Alexander's, Bobbitt's and even the victims of bullying are all the same: to empower these people to protect themselves and to NOT rely on some unseen authority figure to think and react for them. They have to make good decisions for themselves and take responsibility for their own safety. They can't rely on police or congress or schools or anyone else to protect them.

Why do you think there's such a huge debate in the US about gun control? Again, this has all of it's source in the rush to make our world even more feminine! Don't let people protect themselves. Don't give them the tools or knowledge or rights or responsibilities to do that - take that away and let some authority figure do it for them.

Well, you see just how well that works.

Ana, I took an important tangent here to answer your question. The reality is that the vast majority of people don't get their necks sliced from ear-to-ear in relationships. Of those that might the answer is to help them make better choices and to learn to protect themselves to the degree that is possible.

We also have to accept that there are psychopathic animals out there and that no amount of legislation or policy will keep from doing what they're going to do. Accidents are just that. Murders are just that. They are terrible things, but living life is dangerous. Nobody makes it out alive. The only worse thing is expecting an impotent authority to protect you rather than doing it yourself.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Crazy people (and their victims) are amazing lovers.

Nicole and OJ were addicted to each other sexually. They were meeting up for hot steamy sex after their divorce. They still loved each other. He was thinking she would take him back because they had kids together. That's one reason he flipped seeing Ron Goldman.

Travis was addicted to Jodi sexually. They were meeting up after their breakup for hot steamy sex and acting out their favorite porn movies. Jodi thought he was going to marry her and then furious when she found out he wanted to marry a nice Mormon girl who was a virgin instead of her.

A healthy, loving sex life will keep a marriage together (or relationship). Unfortunately, it keeps the crazies together too because they get hooked... and that's why they end up dead LOL

A good friend of mine is being beat up by her boyfriend constantly. (He is a raging lunatic that has beat up another man at a wedding publicly) She refuses to leave him because the sex is good. I mean, what can I do. She won't listen to me.

But yea of course 99% of relationships are great. It's just the bad ones end up occurring because they get hooked on great sex (or sometimes also emotional reasons as well, they just click mentally, etc)

Answer
Hello again Ana!

I agree with everything you've said here.

As to your friend that won't leave the abusive relationship; this come right back to what I said before. She's just as much at fault as the guy is if/when she gets beaten up. She knows damn well that's what he does.

Likewise, they BOTH need help - him for his violence and her for her interest in getting her ass kicked.

With these two and the previous cases you mentioned (Arias/Simpson) you have to accept that these people are mentally ill and that you can't apply their actions, choices, etc. to anyone that is sane.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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