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General Dating Questions/32 year old virgin woman

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Hi Dennis,

I'm a 32 year old woman, have a good career, educated, solid group of friends, come from a good family, and am a happy, positive person. I have had plenty of married men (lol) at bars telling me I'm sexy. So I'm not hideous at least.

Well, at least not to married people. Ummm...ok.

I'm still a virgin at 32...and I'm really horny now LOL.

I don't know what it is but my entire life I have not been able to have a boyfriend. I've just never had one!

No guy ever asked me out in school, no guy ever hit on me at work.

So I joined a dating site and over the last 4 years I've gone on dates with 100 men. Most of whom I've asked out and weren't terribly interested in me, but I had to try anyway.

I've always asked guys for their numbers, asked guys out on dates, kissed the guys first at the end of the dates, texted guys in between dates to keep the conversation going, cleverly 'suggested' stuff so that a second date would be set up, etc... ahhh it's no use.

I've even had guys come to evening dates with me wearing crumpled up clothing and their hair unbrushed. These guys were lawyers, doctors, etc and I know they can dress and look better for a girl. I was slightly...how can I put it...bummed after seeing that. This means he obviously cared very little about me if he didn't even try to spruce up his appearance and just rolled out of bed (I suppose it's better than being stood up)

When I kiss men at the end of a date, I get pushed away.

I have been nude with a man once and we did have oral sex, that's the farthest I have ever gone with a guy.

So yeah the guys I ask out are absolutely not interested in me at the least.

On the flip side...

I went to the gym and these 15 year old high school boys were all staring at me and whistling at me and hooting and hollering at me "hey sexy cutie". Of course I cannot date them because they are underage and that would be rape. And some married 55 year old dude was checking me out up and down and staring at my private areas for about an hour yesterday at the gym when I was in my bikini at the training pool. Oh of course.

But yea men my own age look right through me.

Also lately...

Maybe I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does bother me.

Every single one of my family members has been dissing me, saying I'm a 32 year old loser, never married, no kids, no man in her life, what kind of loser is she? Why can't she get a guy, what a loser, who is a virgin at 32, what a loser she is.

So this isn't helping things.

I know I should ignore my family but I see their point, at 32 if you don't have a man in your life, people think you're weird. People are expecting you to be married and have lost your virginity by that age and if you're not you're some kind of weirdo failure. I don't particularly see it that way but most people around me do.

Help! I don't want to die a virgin.

Thanks,
Jessica

Answer
Hello Jessica!

First of all, don't feel like a loser or failure and don't feel odd or unusual. You'd be surprised (maybe shocked!) at how often I hear this story from men AND women in their 20's, 30's, 40's and beyond. It's not really that unusual.

I know that's not much of a consolation but what you'll learn next will be. Of all the people I've worked with in your similar situation, it's always about just a few basic things that need to be changed. As soon as those things happen, their entire lives open up.

Obviously, this isn't just about getting you laid - but that's certainly a step along the way. It's also about building connection and intimacy with someone (maybe more than just one "someone" too!) and being able to craft real relationships that are fulfilling and meaningful - but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The first step is to fix some basic problems that are preventing you from "converting" from initial contact and first dates to more. Obviously, I can't tell you what those problems are and thus, how to solve them but trust me, they are there - and they are usually simple issues to fix. This is more than just a few words of advice however. It's going to take a little time to work through and to reeducate you on some foundational parts of the dating/relationship process. This is a journey that most people start in their mid to late teens so you have some catching up to do. Now's the time!

If you go to my website (http://beingaman.com/products.aspx?type=5) you can get an hour or two of some personal coaching time scheduled so that we can cover all of this on the phone. I have a very effect process to deal with these issues at their core rather than to just throw platitudes at you and hope for the best. We'll come up with a very clear, very specific plan to get you moving with real benchmarks along the way so you can see exactly how you're progressing.

As to your family and their "issues" with your situation; keep in mind that most of your education about dating and relationships (or more to the point; the lack thereof) came from them! They can bitch and complain and insult you all they want but consider that they have done little to help you. That may be because they don't know how, but that doesn't then give them the right to be abusive to you. Feel free to tell them I said so.

Let's get started on getting this solved for you. If you don't do something today, tomorrow is going to be the same. If you don't do something this week, next week is going to be identical, etc. Pretty soon, it's 10 years down the road and we're having this same conversation again.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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