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General Dating Questions/attracted to me or not??


Hi. I'm kinda embarrassed and feel dumb asking this, but I am going to ask anyway because it's driving me crazy. I know you don't read minds, but maybe, just maybe this is more simple than I think. I am older-33- and have had little dating experience because of my low self-esteem and anxiety. However, I have been getting help through medication and therapy, and I think it is helping a great deal. Here is my situation-I am in my first sexual relationship, it's still pretty new, and we have had sex a few times.  My boyfriend always drinks some alcohol right before sex, enough to get him buzzed. Does this mean he does not find me truly desirable and attractive??  I hope I am just being insecure, but it makes me wonder. Of course, that's why I am asking. He is not a shy person at all, and he was sober when he first asked me out.  When we have sex, he really wants to pleasure me and make sure I orgasm as well.  What are your thoughts on this?

Hello Holly!

I have no idea why you'd be embarrassed asking this question. Sex isn't intuitive at all. It's a learned skill - at least if you want to be good at it and it appears you do! Thus, don't be embarrassed by seeking out education - especially with something so important as sex!

Your boyfriend may be in exactly the same boat you are. Many people drink to help calm down, relax, focus and release inhibitions before sex. It's not unusual at all. This likely has nothing whatsoever to do with any lack of attraction toward you.

With that said, I'd certainly want him to learn how to function at a high sexual level when he's sober as well. As you and he get more comfortable with each other that will become easier. It's also possible that he's using alcohol to help avoid connecting with you emotionally but you haven't mentioned anything like that happening here.

As this is all new for both of you, don't put too much weight on this right now. Focus on having the best wall-banging, neighbor-horrifying, call-the-fire-department sex you can have. Then, use this energy to continue to connect and become closer as a couple and better partners as individuals.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Doctor of Philosophy

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