General Dating Questions/Compatibility

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Question
Hello Dr.

First off, I appreciate your time. Second, here is my dilemma;

I've heard opposites attract and all this blah blah blah, but I'm finding dating this girl to be very difficult, more so than me past encounters. I am a third year college student now, and she is a second year (both US). I feel like our problem is communication. I'm a very open person, where she is very closed and cautious. She's only had one prior relationship, and from what it sounds like, it wasn't much of a relationship. So how can I go about making this work? She's very motivated and knows exactly what she wants in her career and life, but (even on a date) she was saying how she has no plans for marriage, no plans for children, and so on. It drives me crazy. She will say that she wants a relationship and that she wants to date me, but when it comes to communicating, it couldn't be more difficult (unless of course she was dumb, blind, and def). In person she sends off odd body language, and I can never tell what she wants. When I first kissed her I took a lead of faith because all the signs pointed to a slapping rejection, but resulted in a fantastic embrace.

Clearly I am here to seek your help, and hope you can do so.
Mich

Answer
Hello Mich from Mich!

So, let's be clear here: you want her to want what you want so that you can move things forward the way you want them? Because she doesn't know about her relationship future you find it difficult to motivate her to open up and to connect with you. But, let's face facts here: this is YOUR problem, not her's.

You have a further issue of not communicating in the same language. This is unfortunately common. It's not just that men and women speak and interpret differently, it's that people have a number of different "systems" of communication. That's why I teach my students 4 different systems - so that they can learn to be interpret and to engage by using the other person's language system. This is how you build rapport and connection and without it, you're likely to never get very far - thus your frustration.

For example, you seem to be primarily an "auditory-based" communicator. I'll bet she's either a "visual-based" or an "kinsethetic-based" communicator and that's the very foundation of your disconnection. She's also likely highly emotional whereas you're likely highly physical.

None of these systems is better or worse than any other. They are simply ways of interpreting and affecting our worlds. You can't make someone change their systems however. All you can do is work within what you have.

I can't go into all the details about these communication systems here but my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" talks extensively about them. I recommend you get yourself a copy of them and start studying. It'll really open your eyes as to not only why this is causing you problems right now, but how to fix all of this and to start communication with her - and with others - in new and profound ways.

Learn these systems now because you're going to be using them the rest of your life.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

General Dating Questions

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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