General Dating Questions/improving oral sex
Hi. I am in a new relationship, and my boyfriend's oral sex technique doesn't give me an orgasm, and I have not had one during intercourse yet, either. First, what can I say to him to let him know that I am not getting off through oral and what can I say without hurting his feelings? Also, do you have any tips so that I can orgasm through intercourse? (I don't like being on top because I am not good at it, and am overweight.) I really don't want to have to fake orgasms, and I'm afraid I will have to to protect his ego. He already feels bad because he can't get me off. I have no trouble at all getting myself off.
First of all, women's sexualities are far more complicated than men's are. For this reason you need to work on learning your own sexuality as well as you can so that you can express what works for you to someone else. For women, orgasm is often something you have to learn how to do - by yourself or with someone else.
That obviously happens before you are in bed with someone else. Your own masturbation is a good place to explore your sexuality - not just what feels good but also what turns you on, how you respond to it, what different things make you feel emotionally and more. The farther you can go to define your own sexuality the easier it becomes to let someone else into the party.
While having orgasms during intercourse is nice, it shouldn't be the primary goal. In fact, only about 30% of women are able to climax regularly via intercourse. There are a number of reasons why this is so from the differences in women's sexual anatomy to ignorance of one's own sexuality to pressure to perform, etc. That doesn't mean that orgasm isn't an important part of sex - it is but you absolutely don't want to get in the habit of faking it. If you aren't able to climax from something your boyfriend is doing, there's no shame in that. There are other ways to reach climax including your own masturbation.
Sex comes down to a number of primary things including communication, connection, closeness and intimacy and others. These are all equally important as the orgasm itself so don't lose sight of the forest for the trees.
With that said there are a number of things you can do to help:
1) Don't fake! If you can't reach climax (for whatever reason) bring your partner in on it. Don't "lie" to him about your sexual satisfaction. Nobody wins there. Likewise, realize that your inability to cum is more about not having learned how yet than what he is or isn't doing right.
2) However, technique is important! Consider this: if you were as aroused as you could possibly be, reaching climax is likely going to be pretty easy. Thus, learning what works for you and what doesn't is a key to your sexuality and that's all about technique. One of the most important is learning to take the time it takes to get you there. If you're only half aroused, it's going to be far more difficult to reach climax than if you're already right at the edge.
An important difference between men and women: think of men (sexually) like light switches. We are either "on" or "off" and there's little in between. Women on the other hand are likes pots of water on the stove. It takes time and energy to bring you to a boil. Men often assume that women work like we do and just touching the right buttons or pull the right level will get you there. Obviously, that rarely works (I say "rarely" because it is possible, but that's beyond the scope of this answer!). Thus, "technique" is about learning how to turn up the heat to get to the boil.
3) Think of sex not just as having fun, but as practice too. You've spent most of your life practicing having orgasms by yourself. That's good, but learning how to do it with someone else takes new practice. I've known women who could only climax via very specific things. You've likely developed your technique and teaching your boyfriend that can help. For example, imagine being in his arms and listening to him tell you sexy stories while you masturbate. When you get right to the edge, show him how to finish you off.
By doing this, you're actually practicing having someone else give you orgasms. When it becomes easy for you to do that you can find new ways to reach climax as well.
4) At least in the beginning, his oral technique should mimic your masturbation technique as closely as possible. This way you can "learn" to enjoy a different sensation in a way you already know something about.
5) As to having climaxes during intercourse; again, that doesn't have to be the goal at all, but you can learn to do that too. If you're used to using a vibrator or your fingers during sex, in certain positions, you can continue to do that while your boyfriend is inside of you. As your body gets used to the sensation of masturbating and penetration at the same time, you'll also begin to associate (mentally) sex with orgasms. This makes it much easier to learn to cum via intercourse.
However, as I've already said, this shouldn't be the primary goal at all. It should be all those other good things and if you and he work on these things together sex is going to get even more fun than it is right now - for both of you.
Finally, how do you talk to him about this?
First, consider: what sort of relationship do you want to have? One where only "nice things" can be said or one where you both are comfortable talking about any- and everything - good or bad? Obviously, the latter is the ideal, right?
To do that you have to start somewhere and sex is a good place to begin, but frankly, you should have this in every part of your relationship.
Don't criticize however. Encourage and grow. You can say things like "You know what really gets me off?" And then, proceed to show him. Talk in terms of your own experience and pleasure - not what he's doing wrong, but what works for you. When he does something right say, "Wow - that's it! Yeah - more of that!"
Trust me on this: your boyfriend wants you to be the powerful sexual creature you can be. By opening up and exploring these things together, you're becoming that women he wants and needs.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”