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General Dating Questions/getting involved with married man


I am 35 and have been on a few online dating sites for four months. I haven't had any luck so far and am a little frustrated. I also live in a smaller metropolitan area. A lot of people that these sites match me with are from Chicago, which is two to three hours away, depending on what part of the city it is.  With my evening and weekend work hours, I don't think dating someone from the Chicago area would be very feasible.  I would like to find someone and settle down, but it doesn't look very promising at the moment.  I have not had very many sexual partners, and am selective. However, I have not been in a relationship in a few years and,like most everyone, desire sex.  I recently started chatting online with a man who wants a "friends with benefits" relationship. I previously was very judgmental of others who engaged these kinds of relationships, and I also thought I would NEVER do it. But now I want this kind of relationship because I haven't been sexually active in a long time-over 4 years.  The main problem is that this man is married (unhappily-I can tell that he is not happy from talking with him on the phone). He is still living with her as roommates. Why he is I don't know, but I think that he is just not strong enough to leave her and feels responsible for her happiness/unhappiness.  Which is ridiculous, and I told him this.  My question is: How much trouble will I be getting myself into if we have a sexual relationship?  (There are no children involved.) Of course, I will insist on him using condoms and I am going to go on The Pill. I know this sounds really bad, but I don't feel like a homewrecker. They are married, but live as roommates. I don't have sex with anyone who is interested, and there are plenty of them who have offered.  What are your thoughts and advice on this situation?

Hi Hally,

You ask how much trouble you will be getting yourself into but there is no general answer for this. What I would say though is that, we go by what people tell us or make us believe in life and not all of it is true. Like people will lie or manipulate to get someone to lose their virginity to them, a person can also lie and manipulate by saying letting someone believe they're in an unhappy marriage to get someone to have adulterous sex with them. It just sits better, doesn't it? Someone being unhappy or trapped seems sad, as if you wouldn't be hurting anything because you'd be relieving their sadness. I'm sure there are many people who lost their virginity by being duped with 'I love you'. I wouldn't blame you for feeling as you do. I'm not saying whether this is the case here but it is something to consider and it is important to not be naive about the situation at hand. Consider this: if I was not getting along with my partner or wanted to see other people, I would stay with other family to allow me to do that. I also raise the question as to whether it matters whether he is happily married or miserable? You would still be doing the same thing, the consequences would be exactly the same if his partner found out because maybe his wife is still happy. Maybe, he hasn't made her aware of his unhappiness and in that case, her hurt isn't depending on his happiness or not, she will be hurt/angry just the same.

I always say that it is important to close one door before you open another. Polygamy is a lifestyle choice that all parties should be made aware of in order for them to be making an informed choice. Whilst you can take the view that you wouldn't effectively be hurting their marriage, he would be, depending on your moral code, would you want the fact that you have participated in his adultery playing on your mind? This 'no strings attached' sex may lead to lust, affection, friendship and eventually love.

It is also important to think about whether you would like to have finally found a man who made you happy, that you married and to one day find out he isn't happy through finding out he is having an affair. In situations like this, put yourself in the other person's shoes and it really hits home.

The overall consequences are not only that she might find out but also that you might carry on this thing for years, not allowing yourself to find anyone of your own who you can spend a life with.

If it is about no strings attached sex, there are many single men out there who would be charming enough to make you feel comfortable and happy enough to take you up on your offer.

All of the above are facts to consider but I'm not saying you would be at fault or that you would be evil to agree to this arrangement. In fact, I knew someone in your position and they were not at all a horrible person or set out to be a 'home wrecker'. I would say that he would be at fault, only two people can break up a relationship at the end of the day. The choice would be entirely yours but when you make your decision, make sure you know the facts and the entire truth.

All the best!


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I can answer questions on how to meet people, confidence, what to do for the best dates, problems within relationships, how to interact with your partner and how to end relationships amicably and politely. More specifically, I am best at answering issues pertaining to trust, honesty, openness, fear and communication within relationships. It is important to know that everyone loves differently and we must first identify how a partner (or prospective) partner loves, in order to understand them. I cannot answer questions on whether or not someone sounds like they are interested, people are all different when they like or do not like people. I cannot tell you how someone may react or how a situation will end but merely offer you my advice on the subject.


I do not have professional experience in the area but my knowledge of psychology, teamed with forever being an agony aunt when it comes to relationships means that I have answered many questions on relationships and am proud to say I have seen quite a few relationships flourish with my advice. I am used to surveying people and guiding them in my daily working life. Due to this, I can read situations very well, often putting a much needed outside perspective to good use.

BSc (Hons) Psychology

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