General Dating Questions/I get irrationally mad at the smallest things
I get mad/ jealous at my boyfriend for his smallest actions towards the opposite sex (his friends who are also mine) and get delusional (or at least that's what i think) about them having feelings for him. Also, I get mad at him for coming late to a date or not returning a text right a way (although I do that to him sometimes, also). When he's out with friends or at an event and has fun without me I get mad.
When I get mad I usually result to shutting myself in and cutting all connections to the world for a few hours, especially him, which makes him really upset.
It's just... I always have this feeling that he doesn't really have feelings for me and will run off with another girl at any moment. I have talked to him about this and he has reassured me, but it doesn't help at all.
I really love my boyfriend, but sometimes I just can't help my anger. He puts up with this a lot but lately he's getting sick of all this. I know that my anger is mostly irrational but I don't know what to do about it.
Here's the good news: you recognize that you're the problem here. Most women do this and then write to me looking for ammunition to "fix" their boyfriends, their friends and the rest of the world - all so that they can still feel insecure and not have to deal with it. At least you've come to me knowing that it's you that has to change and I'm going to try to help you with that.
Just for clarity let's nail down exactly what the problem is: you're insecure. It's this insecurity that is making you overreact to little things.
So, why are you insecure? First, you're not sure he feels the same way about you that you do about it. Second, you realize he has other options and can move on them easily. All of this causes you to feel even MORE insecure so this becomes a never-ending spiral of insecurity, anger, hurt, overreaction, etc. Even more, he doesn't want to be around that (would you?) so he gets distant when you get like this and causes even MORE insecurity.
So, does that about sum it up?
Ok, let's spend the remainder of this response talking about how to fix all of this.
There are two things working against you here. The first is your own absorption and focus on your own insecurities. Yes, I know you're not sitting there thinking "I'm insecure with my relationship" but you're certainly focused on every little outside event that allows you to feel insecure. By doing that, you're feeding your insecurity and making it bigger and bigger. It's consuming you and your relationship at the same time.
The second thing working against you is what you're not doing: fixing this.
Think about this for a moment: let's say that you got control of your own mind and emotions and instead of worrying about what was going on outside your relationship you focused only on what's happening within it. In fact (very specifically) you focused on making you boyfriend so happy that he couldn't even think of any other girls - all he could think about was you.
Would you then worry about anyone else? Would you worry about him flirting with anyone else or leaving you? Of course not! He'd be doing that over you instead! No guy is going to allow the woman of his dreams to slip through his fingers and that's exactly who you want and need to become. When that happens, all these insecurities are going to just fade away and you'll be on to a very different phase in your life - and in your relationship.
Now, let's talk about how to do exactly that.
First, you've got to get control over your thoughts and emotions. You've got to stop hurting yourself with this insecurity and worry. That can be very tough to do when you've spent any significant time in this constant spiral (and you have). If you find that clearing your mind of these negative thoughts is too hard for you, get an hour of personal coaching time from my website and I can help you purge them over the phone. You'd be shocked at how well this works!
The second step is to change your focus from defense to offense. You need to spend the next 6 months discovering what exactly your boyfriend wants and needs. You need to learn what and who he is at his very core and to use that information to become everything he's ever wanted in a partner. You need to practice being his "perfect woman". You don't even have to tell him that's what you're doing - he'll pick it right up, trust me.
When he does, things are going to change pretty dramatically for you. You're no longer going to be worrying about anyone else at all. You'll be so focused on him - and the fact that he's falling all over himself trying to make YOU happy - that all of that insecurity will be a thing of the past.
So, there you are. You need to begin this right away - it can't wait. Very few relationships can survive the negative influences you have now.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”