General Dating Questions/Loving two guys

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QUESTION: I'm a 19 year old girl , studying at an engineering college. I have a boyfriend in college, and we are completely in love with each other. We are very happy with each other. So, I don't understand why I feel like I'm in love with my best friend too. He is a really passionate guy , and he is crazy about me. We love being with each other , and we have kissed , but nothing more. He knows I love him, obviously, and he knows I have a boyfriend. He is worried about coming in the way of our relationship but I can't seem to distance myself from him. My boyfriend and I have a very sweet and stable relationship since one year. And yet, last month I realised that I love my best friend. We discussed this , and it turns out my best friend does not want a relationship with me. And neither do I. One reason for this may be that we don't want to be in a long distance relationship since I live at a hostel away from home, and my best friend lives in my home town. I don't want to ruin what I have with my boyfriend. And I feel guilty for the situation I am in. But I can't seem to get rid of the passion there is between me and my best friend. I don't know what to do. Please help me understand this.

ANSWER: Hello Patronus!

Here's what's going on:

Long-distance relationships (LDR's) affect your brain in a very different way as local relationships. In fact, I've written extensively about this in my new book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World III" - the different types of LDR's and how each affects the people in them.

At a distance, you get only the best parts of your friend. You don't see him at his worst or when he's sick or when he screws up, etc. You only get the best of him. Further, when you think of him you fill in blanks about what you think he is. Since you are friends, you have good feelings about him. Thus, what do you think you fill those gaps in with? Answer: always good things!

Also because he's at a distance, you brain makes up realities that aren't real at all. It begins to believe it's own lies and thus, gives him far more credit than he is really due. We do this all the time by the way. It's very common to lose someone (though death for example) and completely forget all the negative things they were only to hold on to the good. Then, you build that person up into a saint when in fact, they were just regular people with the same problems that we all have.

The worst part of this however is that your constant building-up of your friend is going to destroy your current relationship! After all, what reality can compete with a fantasy? Not one I know of. Thus, if you continue to indulge in this fantasy your boyfriend is going to continue to seem less desirable. You'll start to focus on his negative qualities just as you are focusing only on your friend's positive ones. Soon, you'll choose the fantasy over reality and dump your boyfriend.

Even worse still, if you then try to put things together with the friend you're going to start seeing him in a much more real way and that will shatter the fantasy. Then, you'll be left devastated - blaming him for not being the man you thought he was.

You need to get control over these feelings for your friend. If you let them run rampant they're going to take you to places you don't want to go.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thankyou so much! Your answer helped me understand a lot of what is going on.  Could you please tell me how to distance myself from my friend? I mean , we keep texting and calling each other the whole day. When I go to my home town we roam together and always stay together. Is it possible to get out of such kind of an attachment? Could you please tell me what to do?

Answer
Hello again Patronus!

Yes there are ways to get out of this. The most difficult is to stay in the situation and try to control it. That takes a huge amount of discipline that frankly, few people have.

The better choice is to give up the friendship. Explain that you can't continue this way because it's affecting your relationship and you don't want that to happen. You hope he'll understand and back off.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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