General Dating Questions/Have i messed up? Or is there still a chance? Please reply soon
Dear Mr Lamb,
Wednesday is the last day of school for me. Ever. (Thank goodness!) As i'm 18, i'll be off to university this september where i can really start practising this sort of thing.
However, I used to have (and still have) a big crush on a girl in the year below (she's 17, so she has another year of school to go -oh and the age of consent here in the UK is 16, so everything is okay).
I never shared a class with her or anything, but when i saw her in the common room i would smile at her, and do nothing because i was too scared what she and other people would think if i went up to her. I need a reason to talk to a girl, i wasn't used to just saying hi, because that usually caused them to look at me, probably thinking 'what does this crazy guy want? Go away'.
But knowing this could be the last time i see her has given me the courage of approaching her for the first time yesterday (though we did meet briefly by chance a few months ago, so we know each other's names. But this was the first time i approached her).
I didn't have the courage to flirt with her at all, simply because i didn't believe i was in with a chance. I thought she must have got creeped out me by now, so we just had a standard, boring conversation.
• When i spoke to her, she seemed genuinely interested in talking to me. We talked for about 2 minutes, just talking about school.
• She laughed a lot and smiled throughout the whole conversation. But i think that might be just a girl thing, because a lot of girls in my school are very 'smiley'. Especially when they're nervous.
• She held eye contact with me the whole time. I was too weak to hold eye contact so long, so i kept breaking eye contact.
• She was facing towards me when i spoke to her and seemed to have positive body language.
• She left because she was late for her bus. Not because she was fed up with me.
So, judging on those two minutes, i think that maybe it is possible for me to get her number. What do you think?
What happened today:
Well, i came back from school during lunchtime. I had a shower, brushed my teeth again, put some deodorant on and even used my sister's mud mask to make my face all glowy and healthy.
When i went back to school at the end of lunchtime however, i couldn't see her. Neither did i see her in between lesson time. I waited for her at the end of school for 5 minutes, but i thought 'oh well, she's not going to turn up. i'll give it one more go tomorrow'. And gave up for today.
Though when i went back from the car park, i went past her dad's car (i saw her getting into that car in the past) and realised she must still be in the school. I walked down the avenue that led to the car park and saw her just walk past me! I really didn't expect that at all and since i was caught off guard i needed to improvise. So i turned to her and this was the following conversation:
Me: Hey Melissa! (That's her name)
Me: Are you busy now? (Though her dad's car was just 50metres away. I was too nervous to say anything else).
Her: I have to go now, sorry. See you tomorrow
Me: Do you mind if we can meet up tomorrow?
Her: i don't know
Me: Are you free tomorrow lunchtime, or after school?
Her: I think i have to meet someone then.
Me: Oh, okay. Well i see you tomorrow maybe.
That conversation lasted about 20 seconds. She was still smiling the whole time, but i think the smiling was due to being a girl, or nervous, rather than being glad to talk to me.
What do i do? Tomorrow's the last time i could see her :( Thanks for reading all of this
Thank-you for your email. Your situation is such a common one, especially during your teenage years in school. Rest assured that you have plenty of time to learn and hone your skills in the dating game, but there is no time like the present to start doing so! There are a few things to keep in mind about teenage girls. No one guy will hold their attention for all that long. They may be interested in you one minute and not the next. This is a phase that all girls go through when they’re teenagers and early twenties. The reason I mention this is that I don’t want you to beat yourself up if things don’t go the way you want them to with this girl. I know it seems like she’s the only girl that exists in your mind at the moment, but remember you have a lot of life to live and therefore a lot of dating to be had in the future! Now, onto your current situation.
The approach is always the hardest thing for any guy, myself included when I was learning the ropes. After learning all the techniques and tricks over my lifetime from guys who are very good with women, I discovered that oddly enough, an honest approach is usually the easiest and smoothest. That is to say, you don’t need to give her a one-liner or some slick move to get her interested. If she is in fact interested, as long as you get the words out, she will reciprocate. This goes in the opposite direction as well if she is not interested; nothing you say will change her mind. So, as confidently as you can, you’ll want to go up to her and say something to the effect of, “I know we’ve spoken briefly before, but you strike me as someone I’d like to get to know on a more personal level. How about we meet for coffee sometime?” A coffee date is the perfect ice breaker because it is low key and non-intimidating for both the girl and the guy. If she says she’d like to do that, simply ask for her number and tell her you’ll see her soon. Once you have the number, don’t make the mistake of calling her right away! I used to wait 5 to 7 days to call any girl after getting her number. If you can’t bear the thought of waiting that long, wait 3 or 4 days, then call her. Have a plan in mind BEFORE calling her. Have the day you want to meet, the time and the place all picked out. Hopefully she agrees and shows up! That’s really it. No magic spells or techniques. Just that plain and simple. You see Ryan, you will learn as time goes on that when a woman is interested in you romantically, she will HELP you indirectly ask her out. When they like you, they help you.
This leads to my feeling on your current situation. I thought you may have a chance at this when I read about your first interaction with this girl. You may have shot yourself in the foot a bit by not being confident enough, breaking eye contact, etc. Again, try not to beat yourself up over this. Confidence and the ability to hold conversation with women is a skill that is learned over years of experience. There will certainly be stumbles along the way, but you will find your groove and what works best for you. Keep in mind that this was only a 2 minute interaction, so it would be tough to judge a girl’s interest level from a 2 minute conversation unless you were very experienced at this. It sounds like you are looking for the right things though…positive body language, eye contact, physical touch (a BIG one!), etc. Your second interaction with her is where my gut told me something a bit different. I think you did fine during the conversation given how caught off guard you were to see her. However, when you asked her if she was free during lunchtime or after school (you asked for the date essentially), and she said, “I think I have to meet someone.” To me right there, you’re dead in the water I’m sorry to say. Any kind of excuse that she is busy, has to check her schedule, etc. signals low interest in you. I don’t want to be harsh, but I have to be real with you here.
Since I know it will bug you for the rest of your life if you don’t give it another shot with this girl tomorrow, I encourage you to say what I mentioned above about getting coffee and gauge her reaction again from there. If she starts giving you excuses again, do the confident thing by cutting her off and saying “It sounds like your schedule is too tight…maybe some other time” and leave it at that. At least you gave it another shot.
If you want to learn all about dating and what women look for in a man, I highly encourage you to purchase a book online called “The System” written by Doc Love. If I could have had the information from his book when I was 18, I would have had a LOT less trouble with women! Get the book, read it 15 times cover to cover…seriously. You will absorb different information each time you read it. It is the best all-around book I have ever found on women and dating and is written from a man’s perspective. He even has a radio show here in the U.S. every Thursday you may want to tune into to get advice. I wish you the best of luck in your future dating endeavors and have fun! Remember that you will always regret not trying at all versus trying and getting turned down.