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General Dating Questions/Work place crush confusion

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QUESTION: Hi Keith,
I am excited to hear you're intending to release a book. Congratulations!

Here's the scoop. Warning this is stupid and cheesy and I am honestly embarrassed of myself.

Since November 2012 I have been totally hung up on a guy I indirectly work with. The first time I met him jaw dropped because he was so perfect for me. This has never happened to me before in my life! And I have never had such an intense crush, or one that lasted for so long. I just couldn't stop it no matter how much I tried. He was calling me at work several times a day and calling my cell and texting me.

I got such a rush off it and thought he was really interested - why would someone call you and text you several times a day otherwise?! A few months ago I finally couldn't hold it in anymore and asked him on a date. I felt like i was literally going to go insane if I couldn't be with him. He said, "I'm seeing someone, but if I wasn't I would totally go on a date with you. You're a babe." Ok. I accept the truth. But he still kept texting and calling all the time. Huh?

Finally, 3 weeks ago I had to cut him off and communicate by email only for work only. It was drivi me nuts. It seemed to me that he liked me, but wasn't sure what to do. My coworkers were gossiping about us also. I got sick of waiting for him to figure it out and I felt it was time to push him to make a decision.

He showed up at my work unexpectedly yesterday and seemed upset. I had not told him why I wanted to communicate by email only, I just ignored his texts and asked the person who answers our general business line to take messages on my behalf. I am not sure if he noticed I was purposely avoiding him. After he left I texted him and said, "Sorry I have been a bitch to u lately. it wasn't in my best interest to keep talking to u on the phone n by text cos it was taking a lot of my time and my coworkers were gossiping about us. Hope u understand." He said he didn't understand. I told him he was calling me at work too much and that my coworkers were calling him my boyfriend and it wasn't cool. I said the calls were completely unnecessary because we could handle our business in 5 minutes a day over email. He said ok.

Then I thought about it more and wanted to tell him the truth, so I wrote: "honestly, I thought u were into me cos I don't see any other reason why u would be hitting me up at work, on my cell and texting me unless it was necessary. it was obvious u were never gonna do anything about it and i got sick of my coworkers dumb gossip so I had to stop because it was pissing me off."

He didn't respond. That's when it hit me that I had been letting him lead me on this whole time and he probably thought I was a loser because it was obvious I didn't have anything else going on in my dating life. I can't forgive myself for being such a fool and I am totally embarrassed. I guess he was never into me.

Anyway,  this has taken a massive amount of my energy and I didn't want to see it end this way. What happened? Were my interpretations of his behavior just totally wrong?

ANSWER: Hi Melissa,

You are being way way too hard on yourself. He obviously really likes you or he wouldn't spend that much time interacting with you. In my opinion, he is most likely doing a combination of things. He enjoys the attention you give him and it builds his self esteem. It is a nice distraction at work and it eats up his work day while still appearing to be doing work. He might also enjoy a back up prospect while in a relationship. It provides a feeling of safety in his current relationship.

Regardless of his actual intentions you did everything correctly. It sucks losing a friend and someone you were interested in. It really sucks when you put yourself out there and the feelings aren't returned, but those feelings will go away. I love that you were assertive and approached him and were honest in the end.

The only tip for the future is that a guy that is interested won't flirt with you indefinitely. They will make a move within a relatively short period of time. (Omitting the guys who lacks confidence and are scared to put themselves out there) The guy that flirts forever is just looking for the attention and isn't really interested.

I hope this perspective helps. Just know you have nothing to feel bad about and now you have a little more free time to keep your eyes open for the real deal.

Keith
200dates.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Aww, thank you! That was such a sweet response.

What I need to figure out now is how I am going to work with him. I hate him right now and I so want to quit my job or go on vacation to get away from him. Unfortunately, I can't avoid interacting with him. Even having to write him an email makes me angry right now. He was my best friend at work until recently and I will miss that. I am doing my best to get over it and put it in the past, but in the meantime I need to keep my frustration from leaking though because he may complain about my hostility, or my coworkers may catch on and think I'm crazy.

I know he doesn't owe me an explanation. Still, i wish he would give me one. Why, after he put in so much effort, would he want to burn me and make me wonder if I had it all wrong? It's SO awkward now.

Please let me know what your thoughts are about how to continue working with him as peacefully and seamlessly as possible.

Answer
Hi Mellisa,

I'm sorry the situation sucks. There is no easy way to fix hurt feelings in this situation and no matter what explanation you get from him it won't make things better. Take some time and see if you can transition your interactions into a strictly professional emails.  If after a few months you still can't handle things at work start looking for a new environment, but I'm pretty sure it won't come to that. The best way to feel better about things is to have a new person to be excited about.

Enjoy the 4th.
Keith

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Keith Ouellette

Expertise

My background has enabled me to answer any dating questions. My knowledge in attraction, understanding interpersonal communication, and the general dating dynamics is is unmatched.

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My book 200 Dates should be coming out later this year. It chronicles an unbelievable year where I went on 200 dates.

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200Dates.com

Education/Credentials
Bachelor's Degree from the University of Massachusetts, Amherst Master's Degree from the University of Nevada, Las Vegas

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