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General Dating Questions/number of attempts to asking girl out

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Hi Mike,

My name is Nick.  I am 33 and not that experienced with women.  I met a girl on an online dating site.  She is 26, and recently graduated from law school.  We exchanged a few messages, and within the same week met up for dinner.  This happened about 1.5 weeks ago on a Thursday.  I really liked her, felt we had good chemistry, and had great continuous conversation with lots of laughter and eye contact.  I really could see myself with her long term.  

During our talk, I discovered that she will be taking the California Bar Exam at the end of this month.  I have discovered that this is probably one of the most difficult exams in the country (it takes 3 days).  In addition, she told me that she will be leaving in 2 months for a one year clerkship in another state.  However, she said that she will be coming back during breaks, and definitely returning when it ends.

One day after the date (Friday), I sent a message saying I had a great time and was looking forward to going out again.  She replied with the same response.  A few days later (Sunday), we exchanged a few messages.  The messages always ended in questions.  On Wednesday of the following week, I sent a message asking her out again.  I normally would call but she told me she prefers messages because she wanted to concentrate on studying.  Unfortunately, it has been about 5 days and I have not heard back.  

My feeling is that she either is not interested, or she really wants to study without any distractions.  My question is about asking her out again?  Should I send another message or wait.  Or just forget about her and move on?  Perhaps giving her some space and waiting until the exam is over?  And also what do you think about her moving away for a year.

Thanks for taking your time to read this
Nick

Answer
Hi Nick,

Thank-you for your question. First, I’d like to give you the old pat on the back for the things you did right. You did the right thing by setting up a date after a few messages back and forth. Many guys will just keep sending email after email without ever asking the woman out. Obviously, you have to be face to face with a person to gauge the chemistry, etc. And you setup the date for a Thursday. During the initial dating phase with any woman, you want to make sure not to schedule dates for Fridays or Saturdays until she asks you why you don’t take her out on the weekends (Sundays can be OK). Why do this you might ask? It’s all about Perception. When you do not take a woman out on a Friday or Saturday in the beginning stages, she will ASSUME that you are busy and have an active social life. Two very good things! Keep in mind this is something that women will come up with in their own minds without you having to pull a fast one on them. You also kept your eye out for positive body language (i.e. laughter, eye contact).  So a nice job there. From that point, you went a little bit off the rails, and I’ll explain why.

You sent her the “golly gee, I sure had a swell time” message a day after your date. I realize how tempting this is to do. I used to do it myself! Until I knew better that is. While this seems like a nice gesture on the outside, it is much better to leave a little mystery between your next contact with her. By sending her a message straight after the date, she knows that you are thinking about her. When you wait to CALL her the following week to setup date #2, she is left wondering that whole time whether the date went as well for you as it did for her. All this waiting will make her think and wonder about you. Again, these are very good things! I know it may feel foreign to wait this long, but I can tell you that this is what men who are successful with women do without even thinking about it. I presume you’d like to be successful with women? Enough said. So no more “I had a great time” messages after the dates and no more messages here and there just to say hi. Let them wonder what you are up to in between your dates and if you are thinking about them. This is how you drive a women’s interest level up.

Also, in general, stay away from texting. Actually picking up the phone and talking with her is a much better use of your time. Only when you can hear the inflections in her voice will you know where you truly stand. You cannot get that kind of information from text. I’m going to let you off the hook here a bit on this one as you said yourself you would normally call but she prefers messages. This leads me to my next feedback.

If she told you she prefers messages rather than calls, I have to say I smell a bad excuse here. Now, she is studying for the bar exam, and you don’t have enough time in with her to know if she normally picks up the phone but truly is going into hardcore studying mode. Perhaps we should give her the benefit of the doubt, but here is one thing I know for sure. When a woman has a HIGH interest level in you, she will move mountains to make time to see you. It’s as simple as that. I used to date a busy actress who would make time to see me between takes! You get my point. By telling you to message but not call her, I believe that may signal her lower interest level in you unfortunately. It may also signal that she is a bit of a control freak and has to “screen” everything that you say first. Either way, your prospects with this woman are not looking so good. Couple that with the fact that she has not responded to you in over 5 days and is moving away for an entire year, I’d say you’re dead in the water with this one. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I don’t want you to waste your time and energy where it doesn’t serve you. Really either way you look at it, it is best to move on from this girl. Even if she does like you, she’s leaving for a year.

My advice is to not contact her again but let her contact you if she wants to. If she does finally reach out to you, just be cordial. Tell her you enjoyed getting to know her and to call you when she gets back in town from her clerkship. Simple as that. No strings attached. If she asks YOU out on a date, take it. In the interim, you will go out and meet other women and build a little more mystery this time. I hope this has helped and please let me know if you have any other questions for me.  

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Mike Lamb

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My expertise is in answering questions from men about dating women. I have a wealth of knowledge pertaining to nearly all facets of the dating world today. We all know that there are ways to be successful in dating, but what are they? I can answer that for you. I want to teach you how to find not just any woman who will date you, but the RIGHT woman who has long-term potential for a healthy relationship. That starts with how you act and treat women in the very beginning of the dating stages. I can teach how to get there and stay there for the duration of the relationship, on into marriage if that's where it leads. My aim is to teach you to respect yourselves as men first, to be gentlemen, and to change your life for the better. That is my passion. I want to support all good men in successful dating practices. I am not here to offer pick-up techniques or to help you get women into bed. My purpose is more noble than that. I cannot answer questions pertaining to psychology or psychological problems as these would best be addressed by a licensed mental health counselor.

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For over a decade, I have dedicated myself to becoming a better man and to understanding women. This has led me to all sorts of seminars, training programs, books, etc. There is a wealth of information out there, but how much of it really is useful in real-world application? I have narrowed down the best and most-relevant information for men as it pertains to dating. This is information I have tested and learned in the real world from personal experiences and also gathered from the personal experiences of those closest to me.

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I am a Life Coach and hold a degree in Business Administration.

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