General Dating Questions/Paying


I'm currently dating a girl, who does not work at the moment.
When, if at all does a girl contribute towards a date?

Hello Gordon!

It seems like a simple question doesn't it?

When you first start dating a girl it's your responsibility not only to set up the date but to pay for it. We want to believe that men and women are "equal" but in fact that's not at all true. This is just one example.

You will likely pay for at least the first 2-5 dates as well - maybe more. That doesn't mean that she shouldn't contribute however but let's explore that a little deeper.

I like to say that relationships aren't built on a balance sheet. In other words, you can't look at the financial costs of dating and split them down the middle. Dating however is expensive! When you consider the cost of dinner, going to shows, washing and putting gas in your car and all the other ancillary expenses, a single date will often run $100 or more.

She doesn't work and thus, costs are a greater issue for her than for you but that doesn't mean she shouldn't contribute. There are many inexpensive date options from a picnic or making dinner at home to just taking a walk, enjoying a sunset, etc.

Keep in mind that there are other ways to contribute as well. For instance, she probably has other skills she can bring like helping you shop for clothes, bringing something to eat or a bottle of wine when you go to do something, etc. There are many no- or low-cost things she can be doing too.

I've had many women come over to my place once we've been out a time or two and bring a plant from their yard because they thought it would look great in some corner or go over and wash the dishes in my sink, etc. They did these things without my asking them. I'm not looking for a decorator or maid, but contributing these small things shows that she's thinking about me and my lifestyle too. Likewise, I've replaced burned-out bulbs for women or fixed things around their places too without being asked.

The point of this is contribution - not a dollar-for-dollar match. You are obviously interested in her or you wouldn't be investing in her. Is she trying to find ways to express her interests back? Is she trying to find ways of expressing your value to her?

Ultimately, this is what the initial stages of dating should be. I'd want to see that happening at least by the 3rd date and usually by the 2nd. Some guys go months and years without expecting this as though the girl's the only prize.

Thus, look at the overall investments you're both making. It shouldn't be based on hard costs at all but value - and of course, benefit. You may have to pick up most of the dating/relationship costs but it should be worth your while in other ways.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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