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Hi Steve,

Firstly, thankyou for reading this email and I apologise for how long it will be, as this is the first I have ever openly spoken about my relationship worries.

I got together with my partner, Jonny who is 21, 2 and a half years ago. We now live together in our own home, which we have done for over 1 year.

We had a good relationship at the beginning, however we met under unusual circumstances. We had a one night stand, which lead to me falling pregnant ( i misscarried), we didn't decide to be together based on this, we spoke throughly, and decided we WANTED to be together, we didnt have to be together. Because I was pregnant through the beggining of the relationship, there wasn't as much fun as you would expect in a young couple.

My partner had a long term girlfriend of 2 years, who recently split up before we got together. I have always been confident and outgoing, however brought up as an only child in a male-dominated family, I have been taught to be very secretive of my emotions, show strength, no fear or weaknesses. So, speaking openly to my partner about my worries is difficult, as I dont want him seeing me in that light.

I have doubts in my head from the very beginning as to why hes with me, I compare about myself and his ex, what he did with her what he does with me etc etc.

He had a very high sex drive, as did I before we got together. However, he never had it with me, even thought before we got together he often mentioned he did with his ex. Your lucky if we have sex once every 1-2 months, which isn't enough.

I often bring it up with him, and get promises he will change it (never does), and we always become on breaking point. Because he doesn't show me this affection, I have become scarily self concious. I don't let him look at magazines, porn and freak out emotionally and angrily if he looks at other woman.

With this happening, I keep thinking of his preavious relationship, why can't he act like that with me etc. What is so different?

It's tearing me apart emotionally, and we have spoken about it to no avail. Hes a great boyfriend in other aspects, caring, romantic never cheated, doubt he ever would etc.

But, sex is a massive part of the relationship for me, it always has been. However, we are spekaing of spliting up due to this, what do we do?

If I picture him with his ex, or a future girlfriend, I am physically sick and uncontrollably anxious and emotional. Please help me through this situation and what would work?

Answer
Hi Kim,

(Firstly, I'm not sure if your question was intended for me but I shall answer it anyway as it ended up posted to me.)

My main thoughts when reading your question was that you are a couple grieving for your lost child, without even realising it. I don't know how you grieved with your partner when you lost your child, something of which must have been incredibly hard to go through - I extend my sincerest condolences. It seems that this was something you didn't communicate with your partner about fully and in times of grief, it can sometimes come in between us with hint of resentment. I suspect that this may be part of it in your relationship. It is important to discuss your and your partners feelings on what happened because his distance could be due to this. His distance sexually could have initially started as worry about you.

With comparison, it is best to leave that outside of a relationship. It will only consume you and push your partner away if it continues. Instead, give him something to think about! Something that he's never had before. Pamper yourself, make yourself feel sexy again by experimenting with new make up styles (you can get free makeovers if you want to try a new product at most of the make up counters in department stores or bigger make up brand stores), get your hair done and find a new outfit that empowers you. Make yourself feel sexy, strong and happy, then with that confidence, go home and plan a surprise for your partner (a romantic evening in, a night out, etc.). In relationships it takes work to keep it going but if you're happy with yourself, your partner will see that too. Try date nights every week or month, to spend time solely on each other, no distractions. Woo each other! Make yourselves fall head over heels in love with one another once again.

Although you are the one suffering emotionally, relationships are a dual effort and if you want your partner to change, you may have to put in some work to get that change.

Don't think about his past, imagine you never knew it all. After all, you can't change it and I highly suspect however his last relationship ended may have hurt him a little. People change us, sometimes for the good, sometimes for the worst. If you keep holding on to this, the paranoia will kill your relationship to the point that your partner will become so distant, it will make you worse. A relationship cannot survive on lack of trust and paranoia. Your relationship is about now, in the present day and not anything that has happened before. As I suggested, give him something to think about.

Your fears are not weaknesses though, nor are your emotions. As they say, babies cry when they are born and it is a sign that they are alive. Talk to him about it, about how certain things like lack of sex makes you feel because, after all, a problem shared is a problem halved! If all else fails, maybe you could try sex therapy or counseling for the both of you? If you feel it's one sided and there's lack of effort from your partner or you cannot get over your thoughts at all, it is worth considering that your relationship may have run it's course.

I wish you all the best.

Karen

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Karen

Expertise

I can answer questions on how to meet people, confidence, what to do for the best dates, problems within relationships, how to interact with your partner and how to end relationships amicably and politely. More specifically, I am best at answering issues pertaining to trust, honesty, openness, fear and communication within relationships. It is important to know that everyone loves differently and we must first identify how a partner (or prospective) partner loves, in order to understand them. I cannot answer questions on whether or not someone sounds like they are interested, people are all different when they like or do not like people. I cannot tell you how someone may react or how a situation will end but merely offer you my advice on the subject.

Experience

I do not have professional experience in the area but my knowledge of psychology, teamed with forever being an agony aunt when it comes to relationships means that I have answered many questions on relationships and am proud to say I have seen quite a few relationships flourish with my advice. I am used to surveying people and guiding them in my daily working life. Due to this, I can read situations very well, often putting a much needed outside perspective to good use.

Education/Credentials
BSc (Hons) Psychology

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