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General Dating Questions/Repeated breakups, reconciliations

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Hi Dennis:

My on-again, off-again girlfriend of 18 months has just broken up with me for the third time in the last year, all for what I call bullshit reasons...this time it was because she says she’s a neat freak, and I’m not, and that I’ve been too private with my phone and she thinks I’m cheating on her (totally untrue).

Three months ago, I took her back for the third time because she swore she was different, said I was the love of her life, promised to love me forever, and had been put on antidepressants, which I thought would help her. I put her on a “six months probation” meaning I wouldn’t commit to anything long term with her until she could show me she did change, and that I could trust her not to flake on me like before. She agreed. Things went smoothly for the past three months, but she was disappointed I didn't take away the probation period. Still, she was loving and attentive and fun, until out of the blue, she went ice-cold a couple of days ago and wanted her stuff back from my house, her reasons stated above.

I think she’s breaking up with me for bullshit reasons again...I simply did not cheat with anyone. I explained that girls do text me, but that they are just friends (it’s true). Can I save this? (I love her big time). Should I even bother to try? Or should it be “three strikes, and she’s out”?

John

Answer
Hello John!

I get the sense that this is more posturing, "firing across the bow" or something similar from her. In other words, it seems as though she's breaking up with you as a warning that she might actually be serious one day, as a way of "motivating you" to be or do something or even for punishment of some perceived wrong.

Whatever the reason she has something going on in her head that she obviously thinks you should just "get". She probably believes you are a mind-reader and that you're simply ignoring what she wants.

Now, I have a (rhetorical) question for you: don't you have any rights here? Don't you get to decide what you want too? Why is it all about her making all the decisions about the status of your relationship? If you're thinking it's because she's the one that is unhappy and you're not, think again. She's inflicting this drama on you and you're accepting it by allowing it to happen.

John, that may be the very reason that she's doing this.

Most men understand that they have responsibilities in relationships but very, very few understand that they have rights too. Even fewer stand up for them.

I suggest this is the time to do both things things.

What I can't tell you is what decision you should make. If you want her back and are willing to deal with these bouts of the cra-cra, then you have some work to do. If you don't want her back then you need to eliminate her completely and entirely from every aspect of your life and move on - immediately. Get ride of every little thing you have that reminds you of her. DO NOT accept any phone calls or texts from her and for piss-sake, don't reply to them! If you absolutely have to reply simply reply with "We're done. Goodbye" and refuse to get into any sort of discussion.

Then, you need to be out looking for replacement - TONIGHT. Don't sit around waiting to figure things out. Get moving.

If you decide you DO want her back you're going to have to get this fixed once and for all. There are a number of things you need to do and much of that is based on parts of your relationship I don't know about and thus, can't advise you. If you need help with these things, I recommend you get an hour or two of personal coaching time from my website and we can deal with them on the phone.

At the very least you need to contact her and say "No, I've decided we're NOT going to break up. Instead, we're going to fix this ridiculous problem as a team. Now, get your ass over here and let's put a stop to this nonsense". Then, you need to get her to tell you what's really going on and put it to bed.

John, stop allowing her to lead you around like this. You have rights too but you have to stand up for them.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
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http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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