General Dating Questions/Relationships
Thanks for taking the time to answer my question.
I have met a very nice woman and have been dating in a long distance relationship for two months now. We have seen each other about five times and everything seems to be going fine.
She is a very caring person, and the other day she told me her male friend that shes known for at least a couple of years wanted to come and stay for awhile because of emotional problems along with being addicted to alcohol.
When he was their he bought some beer and got drunk that night so he slept in her bed and she ended sleeping with him. She says nothing went on and for some reason I believe her. If something was going on she wouldn't have told me. This has happened twice now and its something I would never do while dating someone. When she told me this I was kind of shocked and didn't question her as we all are grown adults.
What would be your advice in dealing with a situation like this. Am I making more of this than what it really is ?
Thanks again for taking your time in finding a solution that I can live with or should I just move on ?
My first advice would be to end this ridiculous long-distance relationship! ("LDR") The brutal fact is, LDR's never work out. You're just now beginning to experience a small example of what I'm talking about. The fact is, you can't be there to see what's really going on and thus you have doubts about it.
Look down the road a bit and try to imagine all the ways in which this is going to play out. You're never going to really trust or know this woman because you can't be there to build those things. You get her very best most of the time. When you don't, you get a filtered version of it. What you think you have is a highly-crafted version of reality.
As I just said, this is only the beginning.
I know you didn't write to me about the LDR itself but I can give you pages upon pages of compelling reasons why they not only are bad things, but can actually harm you very deeply - possibly requiring years to correct - if you continue to pursue this.
With that said, let me answer your specific question: this is about two things: trust and respect.
Trust would normally be easy to deal with if you were in close proximity to her. You could easily verify things if you wanted to. At a distance, that's simply not an option. She realizes this and you realize this. Thus, ANYTHING can be said and you simply have to accept it.
Now, I can't know if she's telling you the truth or not but far more important, neither can you. Why is it that she has a place for him to sleep and he winds up in her bed? Isn't that alone a little suspicious? The fact that she's telling you about it doesn't change the fact that it's pretty odd, which leads to the far-more important issue:
How is this "respectful" to you and your relationship? If your friends heard that she had other drunk men sleeping in her bed when you weren't there, would they be totally ok with it? Of course not!
Even without trust, this is hugely disrespectful! The fact that she doesn't even feel the need to lie to you about it makes me wonder what's going on here.
Robert, you live in a big city with tons and tons of people. Are you telling me that you can't find someone right there in your own backyard whom has every quality that this girl does (and likely more) including the fact that she's actually local enough to date? The only girl you can find is too far away to have anything other than this fantasy-relationship?
As I said before, this is just the beginning. It's only been two months and you're already having doubts. With all of these things considered (distance, trust, respect, doubts) I think it's an excellent idea to move on.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”