You are here:

General Dating Questions/Why haven't I scared him off yet?

Advertisement


Question
QUESTION: Hi Dennis, question for you.

I'm a 31 year old woman, met a 26 year old guy on a dating site. He is very polite and respectful. On our first date, he told me "I read on your site that you are looking to get married" and I said "yes I am 31 and looking to settle down" and he said I don't think I'm ready for that just yet."

I told him I was going out of town on a conference for 2 weeks, and he said "ok I won't text you for two weeks then." I assumed he would never contact me again.

But he kept on texting me during the conference saying hi and if I wanted to see him again in case I got back earlier.

And then after two weeks he kept asking me out on second and third dates.

I've been dating online for years and no one has asked me out on second or third dates.

What's your impression about this? How much interest is there, and do you think he's reconsidering the marriage thing? or just getting to know me?

thanks

ANSWER: Hello!

How much interest? Moderate, but then, that's not really the question you want to ask me. What you want to know is how much ATTRACTION there is. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.

There's something that you (and other women) need to understand about men. When we first meet you we might know specifically that we are not interested in anything more romantic with you, but we don't know if we DO want something more - only that there might be a possibility.

In other words, we might find interest or even attraction but that isn't enough to give up our freedom. We won't (actually, "can't") know that until after things have progressed with you.

Thus, I can tell you that he's absolutely, 100% NOT "reconsidering the marriage thing". He flat-out told you he wasn't ready. That doesn't mean he'll never be ready, simply that he's not yet or at least, not yet with you. You haven't created enough value for him to change his mind yet.

I think you are making some huge mistakes here! This is why you're having trouble getting second and third dates. First, I get the sense that you're way too fixated on being married and way too little concerned with delivering value for it.

You seem like a nice girl me. I'd bet that I could find someone to marry you THIS WEEKEND. Then, you could get married and you'd be happy, right?

Of course not. That's my point. You're fixated on the marriage thing NOT on the quality of the relationship. Sure, you want it all, but you're going after one thing in lieu of what you really should have.

Marriage is NOT the "relationship" itself. Marriage is simply a format for a relationship. There are many others as well. If you're so focused on the format rather than what really matters, you're going to scare guys off. The fact that you haven't with this guy gives me some hope.

Consider this: let's say that you had absolutely everything else you wanted - you were completely happy, secure, etc. in your relationship. Would "marriage" really matter that much - especially if it were to take away the happiness and security? Of course not - not if you really search your soul.

Further, you need to understand that while marriage is something positive to you; representing many positive aspects (security, family, future, status, love, family, etc.) to men, it's just the opposite. It's many negative things (stress, responsibility, loss of security, loss of freedom, loss of choice, etc.)

By being marriage focused rather than relationship focused you're completely discounting your target market's biggest fears! You're telling guys that you're selfish and self-centered rather than being the girl who will make THEIR dreams come true. By the time any guy has dated even a couple of women we learn to avoid women who are self-centered like the plague.

With that said; you have a chance with this guy. Don't think you're going to convince him to make you happy and give you a marriage unless you've already invested in HIS interests. I'm sorry to tell you, you won't.

So then the question becomes, do you even know what those interests are? I doubt it. How could you? You don't even know this guy very well yet. You've been on 3 dates (as I count them) and still don't even know if he's interested; let alone attracted, to you! Why not? Answer: because you're focused on your own needs, not his.

So, those are my "impressions". Where this goes is far more up to you than it is even to him.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: My friends and family keep making cracks at me to settle down, and it's starting to get to me as of late. I personally am the career oriented type not really thinking about marriage, but their cutting remarks are starting to creep into my brain.

In any case, it's good that this guy is investing in me. I kind of have invested in him, actually I asked him out, I set up all the dates. He is the really quiet reclusive shy video game playing type of guy, but he is also very smart and knows what to do with women. Oh yea and I'm a quiet video game playing girl :) hehe. So he took that into consideration.

Another thing is, he wrote on his profile that he does not like porn or strip clubs and he is not looking for casual sex, he wants a relationship but is not ready for marriage for a few more years yet because he's only 26. At least that's what he claims anyway so that's all I can go on for now.

Well he did say he was not going to text me, and then he did :) hehehe. Ok well all I can do is ignore my friends and family, and go on the dates with him. Maybe I should take him to a video game playing lounge hahahahah :)

ANSWER: Hello again!

Sure, that's a good idea. Go ahead and just rush in to settle down to make your friends and family happy. Then, you'll be miserable, but at least they'll have gotten what they want, right?

I think your friends are trying to tell you what I told you before but I think you're still missing the message. You've likely been on dates with really terrific guys. You may have even had a few relationships with some great guys. The problem is that you're not investing in the guy himself. You're way too focused on YOUR needs and what YOU want, etc. to even know that someone else has needs and wants too.

You know when people say that it "...takes work to keep a relationship (or marriage) together"? That's an easy thing to say but they never tell you what that "work" is. Well, I'm going to tell you right here, right now: it's about making your partner happy and IGNORING YOUR OWN HAPPINESS in the process. Your brain can't focus on more than one thing at a time. If you try to seek out a marriage partner, guys pick that right up. They see clearly that you're in it only for you not for them.

Would YOU want to be in a relationship with a guy who is only concerned about his own needs and doesn't give a shit about yours? That is very, very likely what the guys you're meeting are seeing from you. Your friends and family also likely see this but can't explain it that way to you.

Focusing on and being involved with things that a guy likes (like video games) is a great thing. All guys like the "fun chick", but that isn't enough for him to fall in love with you and to stress over giving everything you need. There's far more that you need to discover about this guy. The dates are the way to do that - via conversation/communication. Thus, work on spending time and learning about each other. If you're heads are stuck in a video game you learn nothing about each other and you'll have no more to work on than you do right now.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: We went on another date. He told me he's recently divorced. He told me that he was married for 6 years and in a relationship with her total for 10 years. No kids. She cheated on him and left him for another man. Ouch! He said he ignored her needs and that's why she left. He said he definitely would like to get married and have kids, but not right now because he's still hurting. But he was also not opposed to having a serious relationship with me. He told me all this without me even asking him about his history. He told me he got too lazy in the marriage and stopped investing in her needs and that he accepted full responsibility for that and was not going to badmouth her or talk crap about her mistakes behind her back because he wanted to stay on civil terms. No I did not ask him any of this stuff...I'm guessing he wanted to tell me... it was like he just wanted to get it all off his chest.

Well all I can say is that I should take it one day at a time and not prey on him in an emotional state, just be happy and positive, and know that he's a lot more mature for his age because life threw him a huge curveball like that. Sure I will keep on dating other men with less drama in their lives and not put all my eggs in one basket, but who knows, we'll see what happens with this guy. I have a much stronger connection with him than anyone I've dated in the past. He's kind, compassionate, humble, honest, sincere, and genuine...but he also knows how to stand up for himself. He is a good person. You can't find that everywhere right? So just take it one day at a time and see what happens :)

Answer
Hey!

I'm not sure I'd recommend being so cavalier about things. If this is the guy you want then you need to make the case to have him. Diluting your interests and attention in him will cause him to do the same to you.

Dating "one day at a time" leads to relationships "one day at a time" resulting in something so passionless and weak that I'd never want anyone to have to suffer the boredom of it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

General Dating Questions

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.