General Dating Questions/Stalled love life


You have impressive credentials! I bet that means you have heard of a situation like mine before. Here goes...

My love life has been cryogenically frozen for the last eight years and I am SO ready for a change!

During the past few years I've tried to get a better grasp on dating by reading books, blogs, listening to podcasts, dressing better/differently, being more friendly and upbeat, being more flirty or even pretending to be an airhead. I used to go out dancing 4-5 nights a week and that never did anything for me. I have looked inside myself to see my shortcomings and become a better woman.

I talk to several thousand people at work every month and many of them are men. Maybe I am wrong, but that seems like more than enough opportunities to find a date or get laid. I haven't been on a date or had sex in almost a year.

People tell me often that I am beautiful or that I have gorgeous eyes or amazing hair. When I was in my early 20s (I'm 28 now) it was not uncommon for people to ask if I was a model. I have always been physically fit and healthy weight. On the negative side, during the last few years I have been mistaken for a man six times, which is disturbing.

Just for the record, I do not think of myself as an amazing beauty and I am not an ice cold princess. I always want to look presentable, but I lost confidence in my looks over the last few years, so I don't make much effort to look hot anymore. My clothes are always casual and flattering.

I am starting to conclude there is something wrong with me and that I should just accept that I am always going to struggle with relationships or be alone forever. Obviously, I don't want to accept that reality or I wouldn't be writing this question. That being said, I need to deal with this issue because it is eroding my confidence and I no longer have any desire to put forth effort in this part of my life. I have been stuck for a LOOOONG time. I don't feel this kind of problem is typical for people in my age group, which makes me feel even worse. What else could I do that I haven't tried (and yes, I thought of online dating)? Is there something I am obviously doing wrong that I haven't noticed?

If you could give me the most honest feedback possible that would be great.

Thanks in advance!

ANSWER: hey there...thanks for the compliment...nowadays, your situation isn't that's difficult to make real connections; to really offer some help, i'd need to know a whole lot more; if you want to go into more detail or perhaps have a phone conversation, i'll try to help....

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Sure! Let me know what details you think are pertinent. I am going to mention a few things here.

As a younger lady I was always tense when interacting with people because I was so socially anxious. It felt horrible and I actively avoided social interaction. At a certain point I realized I was missing out on opportunities to make friends and have fun and that my life basically sucked because I was letting my anxiety be the basis for all my decisions. I didn't want to live like that anymore. SO, I FORCED myself to start working in an industry where LOTS of social interaction was the norm. It helped; I still have anxious moments, but I bet most people can't even tell.

I think my dating problems have something to do with anxiety because I catch myself getting anxious when talking to guys, or just ignoring them completely. Sometimes when an attractive guy talks to me I starting thinking negative things about myself. Or, I make weird comments and awkward jokes because I'm nervous. Also, whenever I end up dating a guy I get even more anxious because I have no idea how I am supposed to act(I used brag to everyone about my amazing skills in this area. LOL.). One guy I dated was like, "You're the coolest girl I've ever met," and then a few days later, "You're too self-conscious!"

I have been in relationships with 3 guys and 2 of them cheated on me. One of them was total eye candy and knew it. I found out he was sleeping with hookers while we were together! After that, I made a promise to myself, "No more douchebags no matter how hot they are or how much money they have." And I've stuck to that. I also have made the mistake of casually seeing guys for up to a year thinking it was going somewhere and then falling apart when they FINALLY told me they didn't want a relationship.

People of both sexes have told me they were intimidated when they first met me. When I've asked why they said I seemed severe or stern. My bestfriend once called me stone faced. I don't think of myself that way, but I've heard it enough that it's worth noting.

Anyway, I'm not sure where I'm going with this so I'm going to stop now. Thanks for listening :)

have you considered counseling for the anxiety?...are u actively trying to meet guys these days?....can you share a photo? should definitely consider internet dating sites--that's where everyone is, and it might be easier for you to begin the communication with written words...

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expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks


Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.

BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.

Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and announces CT matchmaking service..for more, go to

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