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General Dating Questions/Should I call it quits?

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QUESTION: Hello,
Hello,

I have been dating someone for almost three months now. We talked about being exclusive and have been intimate a few times. Because of distance and finances we don't see each other every week although he would like to, but we talk to each other almost everyday for hours. When we first started talking , we would talk until 5 in the morning and sometimes we would pull a all nighter. We stopped because we were late for work most of the time. I tried breaking it off with a few times but with out any luck; I do question if we are compatible because we have vastly different social circles and come from very different backgrounds.  We find it both really hard to not speak to each other at least everyday.  I find myself thinking about him all the time and feel very insecure about the relationship. I not sure if he's the cheating type or a bit girl crazy. He says that he likes me a lot but has never told me that he loves me. He does things that make me feel that he might but also does things that make me feel that he doesn't.  Is it too early in the relationship to say "I love you" or does he simply not love me at all. I don't want to waste anymore time if this isn't going anywhere because I'm 35 and the pool of eligible men in getting smaller. I'm attached to him thats why I find it difficult to cut him off completely. I've tried to block his number and not pick up his calls but he always finds a way to contact me. He' says that he likes me and finds it hard not to talk to me.  He also says that he thinks about me all the time. Is he in love with me or he find me convenient. He also claimed that he was a virgin before we were intimate and never really liked anyone before.  Is this a lie? He's 38. He also said he went on porn sites a few times before we met and also found some more porn downloaded on his computer, so I do question if he is a virgin. I like his because he is far more intelligent and respectful than other guys I've met in the past. I really confused right now I don't know what to do. How do I find out what he really thinks about me?

Kind Regards,

Confused

ANSWER: Hi there,
Thanks for taking the time to write.

You mention that you have tried to break it off with this guy, that you've tried to block his number, but that you want to know if it's too early to say "I love you." It sounds like you're conflicted here. Do you want to be with this person or not? Are you just trying to break things off because you're afraid of getting hurt? Or are you just getting sucked back into being in contact with him because you're not dating anyone else?

These are the questions you need to be asking yourself. If you want to be with him, and you want to know how he feels about you, you need to ask him. Let him know how you feel. Sure, it's scary to make yourself vulnerable and put yourself out there like that. But it's the only way you'll know where this is going and where you stand. And, as you mention, you don't want to waste your time. One way or the other, you'll know if this relationship might have a future and if it's worth continuing.

Clearly, with your daily talks, the two of you have a good connection. But you need to make an effort to see each other regularly - ideally once a week at least. It's difficult to say if he is lying about his virginity, only he knows that for sure. 38 does seem on the later side of life, but it's certainly possible he is telling the truth.

Also, most guys - virgins or not - look at porn, so I wouldn't get too hung up on that. Odds are, unless he has some strange fetish, that that has nothing to do with his feelings for you.

If you really are attracted - both physically and emotionally - to someone, then your different social circles and different backgrounds shouldn't matter. But if you do feel embarrassed of him or ashamed to introduce him to your friends, etc, then that's a big sign that the relationship probably isn't going to work.

I hope I answered your questions and wish you the best of luck. Sometimes you have to follow your gut. I hope you can figure out what you want and that the two of you are on the same page.

Ali



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Ali

Thank-you very much for your answer. You  actually pointed important questions I should ask myself about this relationship.  But one thing that does bother me is the fact he hasn't said I love you. Is it too early? He repetitively keep saying that he like me and says it quite often. I've never been in love and I doubt anyone has been in love with me. When I try to break it off he replies by saying that he  "likes me a lot" so what should " (he) do about it". My frustration comes from the fact that I feel I like him more than he does me. I heard that guys usually don't say I love you unless they mean it. We don't meet each other frequently but we have been very intimate when we do. Because of the physical aspect of our relationship I feel I need reassurance that he does love me . I don't want to feel used.

Kind Regards,

Valerie

Answer
Hi Valerie,
Thanks for the clarification - that is very helpful. I would say the first three months of a relationship is typically spent getting to know someone. During that time, you become very close, but it's also the honeymoon period. Everything you learn about the person is new and exciting. The beginning of a relationship can be intoxicating, and it seems like that's the way it is with you and this guy. The fact that you'd talk all night and then go into work clearly indicates that you're both feeling that rush of excitement and attraction.

Everyone says "I love you" at different stages. Love can be an overwhelming emotion, and many guys need to actually come to terms with feeling that for someone. So, while he may love you, he may not tell you for a while. Telling someone that you love him or her is not an easy thing to do. You open yourself up to rejection. You are putting your heart on the line and many people will wait to say it until they're a) 99% sure they'll hear it back or b) when they're afraid they're going to lose someone.

So, it's difficult to say if it's too early. The 4-6 month area is when many people will drop the "I love you" into the relationship. I completely understand how it could make you feel insecure if you think you care for him more than he does about you and that you don't want to feel used. That is incredibly normal and everyone has these fears. Try to remember it's not a contest. You can't help how you feel and you can't control how he feels, so try not to get hung up on that. And remember that the key here is that you enjoy talking to him. You enjoy spending time with him. It's easier said than done, but try to live in the moment and appreciate the happiness this relationship has brought you rather than focusing too much on when he might say "I love you." When you feel more at ease, he likely will, too - and that's when a relationship progresses.

It sounds like you have a lot to think about with regard to this relationship. My recommendation is to be honest, be yourself, and ask the questions you want to know the answers to. If you don't want to waster your time and want to know where you stand with this guy, that's the quickest and easiest way to find out.

Best of luck to you!
Ali

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Ali

Expertise

I can answer questions related to "the chase"--whether to be patient or more assertive. I can answer questions regarding break-ups and moving on. I can answer questions related to flirting and meeting new people as well as how to inspire them to call you.

Experience

I have much personal experience as well as often play the role of matchmaker and advice-giver with many of my friends. I took several classes related to gender relations in college, giving me a solid perspective on communication between couples and what it means.

Publications
My writing has appeared on a website and various anthologies.

Education/Credentials
Graduated with a BA from Villanova University.

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