General Dating Questions/Friend zone
Im way to nice, sort of a doormat
I am interested in a friend and my needy qualities bother her a lot, she comes to me for help a lot though.
Is there anything I need to change? Can I get out of the friend zone? I've been trying since April.
So, you've become the "emotional tampon", huh?
By that I mean; whenever this girl needs support, love, consideration, caring, a shoulder to cry on, someone to boost her sagging ego, etc., she comes running to Raul. You're always there for her and know her well (or at least, you think you do) and because of that think you can have a relationship with her.
Of course, she knows exactly what YOU want and need - and refuses to give that to you, right?
Further, you give her all this support in the hopes that one day, she'll see what a great guy you are and the light will turn on for her. She'll come rushing over to you, throw her arms around your shoulders and say, "Oh Raul! Where have you been all this time! I need you to kiss me right now!"
Here's what you need to understand: the very traits you're using to be that great, supportive, caring guy are exactly the opposite of what she needs in her life in order to feel attraction; let alone, love. Worse yet, you've been showing this to her since April of LAST YEAR???
Let me be clear here: you ARE way too "nice" and you ARE a doormat. You give away your own happiness and give up on the things you want and need hoping that sacrifice will somehow make this girl (or some other) fall in love with you and do all your real work so that you won't have to take that risk. To be blunt, you're a pussy.
You won't go after what you REALLY want and demand it - along with the respect, consideration, caring, etc., out of fear of losing opportunities. Well, look at where you are right now. Is *THIS* the sort of "relationship" you've always dreamed of having? I sure hope not! Yet, your choices have lead you right here - and here you sit.
Let me answer your questions:
Anything need to change? Answer: yes. Everything. You're coming from the wrong perspective, using the wrong belief system, lacking education about women and your place in their worlds, women's place in your world, etc. Yes, something needs to change - IF you ever want to be more than the "friend" for any woman.
Can you get out of the friend-zone? Answer: I don't know. It's POSSIBLE to get out of the friend-zone. I've helped hundreds of guys do it but the fact is, it's entirely up to you. I don't know if you have the balls to do what it takes and let me be clear: it is NOT easy. It takes far more work and risk and growth than you've been willing to go through since at least April.
Here's what I do know: you're not going to make the changes on your own. I take no pride in telling you that, but it's the truth. If you want to begin making these changes you need to see this as a study; a "journey" that will help you change and grow up. It's painful, but entirely doable. If you don't have the stones for it, accept things where you are and just realize you'll always be the "friend".
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”