General Dating Questions/Girlfriend giving head

Advertisement


Question
QUESTION: Hi. I'm currently in a relationship with a girl for 2 months. I had an ex with whom I had a relationship of 6 months. But then she left for another guy. My ex used to give me great blowjobs regularly which I absolutely loved. But the problem is my current girlfriend in not much interested in the sexual stuff, we just kiss sometimes. Sometimes, I really miss receiving a blowjob. I've never told her about it though, because I don't want to ruin our relationship. I really love her. But, sometimes I'm scared that I might cheat on her because I've gotten used to the blowjobs. So, what should I do? How should I approach this?

ANSWER: Hello Harry!

So, let me get this straight: you think that communicating what you want and need to be happy in the relationship will somehow "ruin it"? Is that really the sort of relationship you want to have - one where you can't speak to your partner openly and honestly?

Harry, if she's so callous as to not give a shit what you want and need let's dump that idiot and find someone else who cares about you. I'll bet in fact that she *IS* concerned with your needs.

You say that she's not interested in "sexual stuff"? My response: too bad! If she wants to have you and you need sex that becomes her responsibility. If she can't or won't do that then the answer absolutely IS to find someone who will. It's a very selfish, one-sided attitude.

Here's what you need to do:

First, explain to her that you believe (correctly so by the way) that sex is a normal part of a healthy relationship. In particular you enjoy oral sex. If she's afraid of it that's no problem because you'll help her to learn to be good at it. Then, let her tell you what she thinks. Don't be afraid of hearing her. Listen to understand.

If she has some particular aversion to sex she needs to understand that you don't. She also needs to understand that she is then giving you her approval to date other women to get what you need and she'll have to accept that. She'll also have to realize that if you meet someone else and fall for them, she'll understand that you're probably going to continue seeing that person - maybe exclusively.

The point of all of this is that; you not only have responsibilities to her and the relationship you also have rights too. If you don't express them however (out of fear or for whatever reason) you're not giving her a chance to make you happy. You work to make her happy, don't you?

Harry, this is a chance to build your relationship. It's not a fearful or negative thing at all. If she's not interested in doing that you don't have a "relationship" in the first place. On the other hand, she's with you for some reason and I'll bet she just needs to know what you want.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: It's not exactly like that. She believes in "No sex before marriage" and I don't blame her. I support her too. We just have some sex chat every now and then when we are horny. But you know, sometimes, when I'm really horny, I miss the real stuff, you know, like receiving a blowjob. So, I don't really know what to do.

Answer
Hello again Harry!

You don't blame her? I sure do! That's the dumbest thing I can think of anyone believing.

As you can see, I don't have a lot of tolerance for ignorance. There are a very large number of reasons why this is such a bad (and frankly, dumb) choice, but let me give you just a few:

Why would anyone wait to have sex until they were married - and "stuck"? Answer: it's only because someone told them to. Nothing more. It's most often a religious thing but even then very few people even understand the foundations of that "belief". It comes down to control.

The fact is, there's nothing more foundational or important to any living creature than their sexuality. It is the basis of everything else you do, say and "are". It dictates the friends you have, the car you drive, the clothes you wear, the words you choose, the way you walk and even stand. It is the foundation of every other thing you are inwardly and outwardly.

Up until the 1200's or so, most churches never got involved in people's sex lives. They weren't even involved in marriage. Finally someone got wise and realized that if you could control people's sexualities (like when and with whom they could have sex) the net effect was that you owned that person! You could keep them in the church - giving money - for example. That's just how powerful a person's sexuality is. By working to keep people ignorant you also keep them from growing. Children are much easier to manage than, mature, aware adults.

How would you even know if you and your girlfriend are sexually compatible? Sex isn't the MOST important thing in a relationship, but trust me, it's right up there in the top 3. What would happen at your job if you only had 2 of the 3 skills you needed to do it? Answer: they'd find someone else. How often do you think that happens in marriages?

Add to this the fact that if you take an otherwise great marriage (and keep in mind that only 15% of marriages are reported as "happy" by the people in them) with a lousy sex life, they almost always end in divorce. Instead, take a marriage that is bad but has a great sex life and they almost always stay together. What does that tell you?

Sexual experience and skill are the most important things men and women bring to their relationships - at least if you want a good one. Avoiding all the sexual education (and trust me, it is NOT something you "just know" - you have to learn all of it) is a pretty sure way of causing all sorts of problems in a marriage.

Keep in mind too that women are far more complicated sexually than you are. Where are you going to get the skills you need to make your wife happy and sexually satisfied if you're not learning them right now? You absolutely can't learn these things from a book. It takes experience.

So, your answer then is: either keep believing what you (and your girlfriend) believe and stay sexually ignorant. You'll remain sexually frustrated and unhappy. Then, if you get married, it's extremely likely that this ignorance will continue right into the marriage.

Or, you can decide that it's in both your best interest to explore and grow your sexualities. You'll open up your communication and be able to share and be intimate in a way that a close, loving, healthy couple should be - and you'll both be far more together than you'd ever be alone.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

General Dating Questions

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.