General Dating Questions/The guy I like...


Hi Ali,

So basically this is what happened. I've been really close friends with this guy (I'll call him Vince) for about a half a year. He was my very first friend at college, and he's still one of my best friends. For about the first two months of college, I'd say we were sort of a "thing." We hung out together ALL the time. I never really told anyone that I had this massive crush on him except my roommate. Well a couple months ago I found out that one of my close friends had a crush on him too. Since I never told her I liked Vince, I figured it's be best to follow some sort of "girl code" and kind of back off of Vince until she got over her crush. (That was the STUPIDEST idea ever on my part). My friend was always talking about wishing that Vince would invite her to hang out with him, and he never did, so I thought it would look REALLY bad if I hung out with him a lot. So I started turning him down to hang out with him, saying I was busy or had homework to do.I didn't want to lose a friend over a guy. My friend eventually got over her crush, so I started making my move on Vince again. Well Vince thought he got "friendzoned," which is NOT what I wanted at all! He obviously moved on, he's been in a sort of on/off relationship with this slutty girl who lives down the hall from me, and I just can't see it working out. She is a hardcore partier, and he is just such a sweet guy who doesn't get involved with any of that kind of stuff. I like him so much; he's one of the only people EVER that I can be completely myself with and feel comfortable hanging out with alone. I just don't know what to do. I've never gotten this hung up on a guy before.

Hi Rachel,
Thanks for taking the time to write. First, let me say that it was incredibly thoughtful of you to back off from Vince to spare your friend's feelings. This is something that you will encounter probably several more times in the future. Let me just explain something: girls can't call "dibs" on a guy. It just doesn't work that way. Guys' feelings for the girl comes into play, as does chemistry, mutual attraction, etc. Hopefully most friends would realize that and a friendship wouldn't be ruined if you happened to end up dating someone that your friend found attractive.

How do you know that Vince thinks he's in the friend zone? Did he say something like that to you or one of your mutual friends? You definitely need to be assertive in spending more time with Vince so that you can establish that you're interested in more than just a friendship, Rachel. Be forthright and ask him to hang out. If you know that there's a movie that you both want to see, or a concert, or some other campus activity, take the lead and ask him to go with you. If he says yes and the two of you start spending more time together, make sure to flirt with him so that he knows there's something more than friendship going on.

Little things, like touching his arm or shoulder when talking, can do wonders for establishing some physical chemistry. Sometimes it just takes a nudge to give a guy confidence that you're into him, too. From everything you've told me, Rachel, Vince had a crush on you when the two of you met. He might have felt a little hurt and rejected when you stopped hanging out with him, so maybe mention that you've missed him and that you felt like you had to take a step back from spending so much time with him because one of your girlfriends liked him, and you didn't want any girl drama.

Odds are that he still likes you and the relationship with the girl down your hall will probably fizzle. If you really like this guy, just be yourself and be bold in trying to find time to hang out with him 1:1. If the connection is as strong as it sounds, it will probably only be a matter of time before things move to another level.

Good luck - I hope things work out and that you and Vince can get back to the easygoing relationship you had earlier this year, and kick it up a notch!


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I can answer questions related to "the chase"--whether to be patient or more assertive. I can answer questions regarding break-ups and moving on. I can answer questions related to flirting and meeting new people as well as how to inspire them to call you.


I have much personal experience as well as often play the role of matchmaker and advice-giver with many of my friends. I took several classes related to gender relations in college, giving me a solid perspective on communication between couples and what it means.

My writing has appeared on a website and various anthologies.

Graduated with a BA from Villanova University.

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