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General Dating Questions/Are there honestly men like this out there?


QUESTION: So growing up, as girls, we are taught that 'good guys' don't care about how a woman looks. As we grow older, we realise we are yet to meet a guy matching the description.
Basically, my query is as follows:
I want to find a man who doesn't care about his looks, and doesn't care about how I look and only loves based on personality, kindness of heart and aspirations. Is that possible?

No, I'm not considered very ugly by people, if you were wondering whether the reason was lack of choice. But I want a man who is kind to everyone no matter what they look like, and can love some one physically and spiritually without needing appearance as a cue to love.

I hope to be able to learn to be more accepting and open minded so that I can become that way as well. I am really sick of men who are vain and proud about their own appearance, and all the men I know seem to bully others based on appearance. I think the kindest people in the world, are those who don't care what you look like, or what they look like.

Obviously, he should still shower. Preferably no ripped clothing, although I may make an exception if someone matching the description came along.  

If anyone matches this description also, maybe you should send me an email, see if we can have great conversations together, because I know guys like this are rare and if I have to find one online, so be it. Or at least give me advice on where I can find these kind of a man.   

Yes, there is a girl out there who falls in love with kindness and charisma, not a pretty face or washboard abs - I know, hard to believe but I am not trolling.
The fact that I am 19 probably has some significance to the situation. I didn't want that to be the first point for the reader to be influenced by.

ANSWER: most humans have a natural appreciation for physical, sensual attraction, and most make it a necessary ingredient to seeking romantic love; without some degree of sexual attraction, most people remain "friends"; great looks doesn't necessarily mean one isn't a nice person, so it's possible to have both; i suppose 2 people can fall in love and have a sexual relationship without without considering looks, but it's a small percentage of people..

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QUESTION: Thanks for your answer, thank you very much for being a part of this website.
Thanks for being open minded in your answer.
Have you, personally, ever met men like this? I think even when there are people with this attitude, it tends to be women.
I'd say maybe 1% of women, and maybe 0.5% of men possibly. So I don't really think my chances of finding someone like this, who isn't lying to me and claims to only care about the soul especially due to my youth and beauty, are very high. What do you believe?

I have noticed that I am not like most people, I don't really mind something like obesity, or other physical imperfections. I believe to some extent that the fact that we require beauty in romantic relationships, is due to social conditioning. We are a 'winner' if we can date someone beautiful. It's just an aspiration to hurt us all. But I believe we could open our hearts to a wider range of people if we weren't ashamed.

ANSWER: even in the animal kingdom females seek out the fittest males, and peacocks strut with all their cool feathers hoping to attract a female, i don't think it's social conditioning, but more an inherent necessity to continue the survival of the species, including humans; again, the 2 aren't mutually exclusive; there's nothing wrong with expecting to be with someone you're attracted to and who also  has the personality traits you require;

ps, i'm male, and have been with beautiful women who are totally disturbed/unloving, and great ladies that i'm friends with that i've no attraction to; i continue to seek someone i find physically stimulating as well as being sweet, gentle, genuine, kind, loving...

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QUESTION: Well at least for those few men and women who truly only care about non physical appearance traits, a little support to help them realise that there is less social stigma and shame surrounding being with a socially deemed "unattractive" person would help.

We could be forcing a *few* people to be shallow through social conditioning. Obviously it is already a natural phenomenon, to be attracted to beauty. I know that I personally hesitate to pursue some very kind, but overweight people because my friends and family will look at me and think, oh poor you, what's wrong with you? Why did you think you had to settle for this? And those kind of things. They'd probably think I'd gone nuts. I wish they could be more supportive.

I completely agree with you, most people require physical beauty, and thanks for that interesting personal experience you shared there with me, I hope you find a stunning lady with a beautiful heart. And I hope none of those ladies that you're only friends with aren't secretly hoping they could be in a relationship with your fine self. Good luck.

you still wouldn't know how this "non-attraction" arrangement would work or even last: social conditioning certainly plays a part, but i still think we're programmed for sexual attraction to keep the species alive in the future; doesn't have to be sheer beauty, just something that draws you in...still, your feelings are refreshing...

thanks for the kind words, feel free to write..even in the smallest encounters, we hand something over....j

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Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.

BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.

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