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General Dating Questions/Infidelity? Or Accusation?

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Question
Thank you for taking time out to help other people. I don't think/know that this is a question that can be answered straight forward but I am looking for a neutral opinion.

A little background: My fiancé and I have been together for 4 years. We have a 2 year old child together. During these 4 years he has cheated on me with phone sex (nothing physical to my knowledge), he has requested that women send him naked photos to him (which some have done) & until I caught him red handed each time, he lied to my face about everything. This involved about 15 different women that he already knew prior to our relationship. The last incident was a little over a year ago, even though he continued to lie when I would ask him about what happened with these different women.

I took his word each time, believed that he would never do it again but of course he did. The last lie I was told was about two weeks ago.

Current situation: My fiancé went to a mutual friends house to drop of some clothes for her daughter from me. Her husband was at work but called to let her know that my fiancé would be coming by & she spoke with her husband on the phone while my fiancé was there.

That was at 10:00am. Around 11:00pm my fiancé receives a call from her husband, he's screaming at him asking him what did he (my fiancé) do to his wife. His wife was accusing my fiancé of touching her inappropriately.

This woman is a little goofy and has done quite a few drugs in her past (in the present time all I know of is that she smokes marijuana a lot). Even so though, it is hard for me to believe that someone would make accusations like that if they didn't actually happen, even though I know that some women will do anything for attention.

My fiancés story: He knocked on the door, walked in, went downstairs & shook her shoulders to wake her up, she was groggy, he told her that he was there to drop of the baby clothes. She said "ok" and started to fall back asleep. Her phone rang, it was her husband, they talked for a few seconds & hung up. She fell back asleep again & then my fiancé shook her again & said "well I'm gonna get going" & she said "ok" & he said he left & that he was only there for 5 minutes.

Her story that she sent me via text message: look girl you've been in this family for years. I like you and always have & I have nothing to lose by making up a story to cause problems. Me & my husband are happy, I thought you and (fiancé) were too. He did not try to rape me but did try to feel on my tits & pussy. I didn't even know how to tell you or my husband because I knew he would blow up like he did & handle it the wrong way & I didn't want to hurt you but he tried feeling on me & he kissed me & licked my lips, I kept telling him no and he said "why, you don't wanna play a little, lets play, everyone is sleeping." He tried getting me to feel his thing & asked why I didn't want to play. I covered up & said I'm tired & cold. He reached under the cover & felt my pussy through my pants and said "I'll keep you warm" & nibbled at my mouth. I said don't you have to work & he said "no I'm off today". That's when I got scared & didn't know what to do, I can tell you exactly how he was dressed and all. I'm sorry I don't want anyone to have problems he just scared the hell outta me. I lost all respect for him & he needs help. Maybe he just thought it would be ok but I do consider you family and had no problems with your fiancé til now. Sorry for this, he was so hard, his thing was almost coming out of his pants. I could probably tell you how big it is & I haven't even seen it. I'm sorry I had to tell my husband and I thought you needed to know as well.

My personal thoughts: I have no idea whether to believe these accusations. I've asked my fiancé over & over what and if anything happened & he swears nothing happened & that he would never touch or do anything like that to a woman. He swears that this woman is lying & that he has no idea why she would accuse him of these things when he never touched her.

How do I handle a situation like this? I've never been in a relationship & the other person be accused of things like this.

I take these accusations very seriously. Not because he (if he did) cheated but because he disrespected a female in almost the worst way a female can be disrespected.

I wonder though, why did it take her 13 hours to tell someone what happened? (If it happened)

Why wouldn't she immediately called her husband or even me and say something?

These are of course rhetorical questions, I'm just trying to express to you why I have doubts that he did these things.

I have no idea how to find out the truth & I probably never will, unless of course she is being honest, which I'll probably never know either.

Do you have any type of advice or insight into a situation like this that you can give me?

Any help is appreciated.

Thank you so much for reading.

Answer
Hello Tracey!

Here's my problem: I'm getting a story of "he said/she said" filtered through you. I have no context of emotion or timing or history or anything else to go on. I can't tell you who is telling the truth and who is lying. It's likely that there's some truth and some falsehood in both stories, but again, I can't say.

Here's your problem: you can't say who is being truthful and who is not either. I'm always a little suspect when someone says something like "I don't want to cause problems..." and then goes right ahead and causes them. Again however, there's no way to know what's real and what's not.

Here's the best thing you can do at this point:

Go to your boyfriend and say, "I'm not asking you to claim innocence here. You've already done that and I can't know if it's true or not. It may be or it may not be or it may be partially true - I simply can't know. What I do know however is that you know what really happened. If it was disrespectful of me and our relationship you need to get it fixed. I deserve that and your kid deserves that".

Then, let that be the end of it with him. With your friend, you need to say something similar. She has to understand that you take it seriously but everyone here (including her) is claiming innocence and there's no proof either way. You're not going to dump her as a friend and you're not going to dump your boyfriend without that proof.

Obviously, you're going to need to keep your boyfriend and your friends away from each other. Since there isn't an compelling "truth" here the separation is the only way to prevent things from happening again or escalating.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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