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I like this girl I work with and go to school with. I just met her recently. At work, I told her she was beautiful and could be a dominatrix. I told her I would do what she ordered me to and she told me to do things, all work related. I told her I would be her slave and do what would please her outside of work. I called her mistress and at one point she referred to me as her slaveboy as I was helping make a sandwich for a customer, she said I was her slaveboy to the customer. I like her and when she said that. How could I make so that I could be her slave for real? Also, if that is not possible, would this work to at least getting us to the dating stage?

Answer
Hello Jon!

You have a bunch of problems here.

First of all you haven't even confirmed that she's a sexual dominant. Simply telling her that she's beautiful and could be a dominatrix has absolutely nothing to do with her at all - it's all about YOU. Do you seriously think that is a turn-on to someone?

Here's the reality; in both the Dominance/submission world (as well as outside of it) most women are sexual submissives - not dominants. The reality is that dominants are actually somewhat rare. YOU don't get to decide for someone else if she is or is not dominant and simply actually like a slave to her doesn't make her one.

Just as you being submissive goes deeply into your core psychology, so does it with this girl. Just because she's willing to do some dominant things (like order you around at work) doesn't mean that it feed or addresses HER sexuality.

However, the biggest problem you have is that you haven't bothered to establish any sort of working emotional/sexual relationship! All you have is a work relationship and are now trying to turn that into a sexual one outside of work.

Jon, you've got to stop being so self-focused! Just because YOU are submissive or even interested in this girl doesn't mean that she feels the same way. There's a ton of issues at play here including her feeling safe and secure, valued as an individual, connected, etc., etc. You didn't even bother to give her any of those benefits - and instead just wanted to serve your own sexual submission.

You need to build up a level of communication and trust in a close, connected setting (NOT work!) where someone can feel comfortable expressing themselves. Simply telling you to do their work is the opposite of that. It's only AFTER you've established that trust-relationship that you can get into more depth.

There are some people who will do that for you without having established the relationship by the way: they are pro-Doms. You get to walk in, pay them, have them service your submissiveness in a very direct, specific way and leave. Trust me, this girl isn't one of these - or she wouldn't be working in a sandwich shop!

More to the point, trying to get her to act as your Dominant by itself; for it's own sake is just selfish and ignorant; the only foundation for it being YOUR needs - not hers.

Consider this too: any non-pro Dominant isn't going to put up with that either! Every single person out there has their own needs too. Whether you want to be a boyfriend or only a slave, your first job is to address the needs of the other person FIRST - not jump right into your own.

So, as go getting her to be your sexual dominant outside of work at this point your best chance is to ask her. Just be ready when she sees your selfishness and tells you absolutely, "no".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
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http://beingaman.com
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Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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