General Dating Questions/It's Complicated...
Hi Dr. Neder,
I have gotten myself into an interesting situation. Around September of this year I added 2 people to my FB, whom I started chatting with online. Adam and Ken. They are both 25 and I am 29, so I did not feel romantic towards either of them at first. Adam and I began talking everyday online which soon moved to text conversations and he started inviting me to functions where his family would be, just as friends. Around the same time, Ken expressed interest in me, and I shot him down because of his age as well as our different culture/backgrounds… but he was persistent, and eventually I found him too endearing and sweet to keep saying no to. He and I eventually went on a date in November and it was wonderful, he was a complete gentleman. He continued to send me flowers and sweet messages… but we did not talk on a daily basis like Adam and I did. Adam eventually expressed interest as well, but never asked me out on a date… just moreso would tell me that I was attractive and that he’d love to kiss me etc…. We did eventually kiss two weeks ago… and I felt bad about it because of Ken. Ken and I have not been intimate nor even kissed, but he did ask to be exclusively (which I turned down because I didn’t feel like we knew each other well enough… as well as starting to develop feelings for Adam.
Where it gets very complicated is that Adam’s roommate is one of Ken’s best friends. When Adam and I kissed, we agreed that it would not be a good idea to tell anyone (there are several complicated reasons for this which I won’t get into right now). I kept my end of the bargain, but apparently he told his roommate.
I was talking to Ken today and he asked me if there was anything going on between Adam and I. I told him no. And he told me that Adam’s roommate had said something different, and that he had no reason to lie. I felt so stuck and all I could manage to say was that I felt weird being confronted by him because technically I am a single woman. I didn’t understand why I was feeling guilty when I wasn’t his girlfriend and we had never even kissed. Both guys have several friends that are girls and I never question them about it, because I don’t feel it’s really my business.
So now I’m in a very interesting situation… Neither are mad at me, but I have such guilt for some reason from Ken, and I feel betrayed by Adam for saying something to his roommate after we agreed we wouldn’t. And at the end of this, I still don’t know what to do from here. So I was wondering if you had any advice or suggestions.
I'm not sure what you want advice on. Is it having the two guys in your life? Is it that they almost know each other? Is it that neither seems to be be able to pull the trigger? Is it your guilt?
Well, let's deal with that last one then.
As you said, you're single. You have no responsibility to either of these guys and to be honest, your dating life isn't any of their business. To that effect, you haven't exactly lied (but you haven't dealt with this very well either). Instead, you've exercised your options.
Sure, it'd relieve your guilt by coming clean but you'd also have to admit you lied. Let me let you in on a little secret: EVERYONE lies. I mean everyone. You do it. I do it. Ken and Adam does it. Your folks do it - and so does every other living person. In fact, you lie regularly - not just this time. The difference is that you have a "good excuse" other times whereas here you don't.
I'm not giving you a pass here to take advantage of anyone, but keep things in perspective. He had no right to ask you what's going on since he hasn't made anything happen. It'd have been better for you to say, "Well, that's not something I'm willing to talk to you about yet" and then have kept it to that.
At this point feeling guilty over this when there's nothing to base it on is a complete waste of energy, don't you think?
Of course the real problem here is that you don't know what you want. You're waiting for these guys to tell you and let's be honest here, neither of these guys know what to do in that area. Thus, you're either going to be waiting a very long time or you're just going to get bored and move on anyway.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”