General Dating Questions/Dating/Crush

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QUESTION: Hello Dr. Neder, I was wondering if you would please give me some advice? The scenario is as follows. There's a girl who comes into my work several times a week. Each time she visits we talk and carry on a lengthy conversation. It's gotten to the point were we address each other by first name and she's even asked for my Facebook info. For months I've been telling myself that I'm going to ask her out but I also chicken out. The other day she came in and there was a guy with her. I tried to slyly find out if they were dating. I stupidly asked if he was her brother since it is around the Holiday season. She replied that he was just a guy she went to high school with. I guess my question is do you think I've missed my opportunity or should I with a doubt ask her out the next time I see her? Thank you for your response and your help.

ANSWER: Hello Kori!

Why, yes! I WILL give you some advice!   :)

I think that you have missed your best opportunity (likely opportunities) but things aren't over yet. You can still ask her out.

The real problem is this: why HAVEN'T you asked her out? What has changed now that you are going to get over your fear? You've been practicing failure. Now, you're just going to jump up and go for what you wanted when all this time you haven't?

Kori, see my point? Something has to change here and it beings inside of you. You've got to stop focusing on what you don't want to have happen and start focusing ONLY on what you do - and then reacting ONLY to that and nothing else.

You've had some nice, lengthy conversations with this girl. Pull the trigger already and just say, "You know, you're fun to talk to. We should do this next week outside of work. Here, give me your number. [hand her your phone] Which is best for you, Thursday or Saturday?"

Kori, pull the trigger already.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dr Neder, You have confirmed my fears. I too think that unfortunately I may have missed my chance with her... Is it worth it to even ask her out at this point? I honestly don't know when I'll see her again it could be days or even a week or more due to my new schedule. My thoughts are if they weren't dating then by the time I see her they could be... I haven't asked her out because I've been to nervous and I have no experience with women. I knew if I let fear take hold of me and never ask that someone else would. I had hoped to ask her that day but when I saw him with her my heart sank and I froze with fear and disappointment with myself. I do genuinely like her and this is more out of desperation and urgency. If there is a guy that's hanging out with her even as just a friend. There's always the possibility that he could want to date her. I feel that if I let anymore time go by I will have completely missed my chance. My coworkers have said that I better make my move asap or miss out on the opportunity for good.. I really hope they're not dating or were on a date. I just don't know of any other reasons why they would be having lunch together she even paid for their food! When I asked if he was her brother she simply replied "No we actually went to high school together." This statement neither confirmed nor denied if they were dating, etc. We still had our normal lengthy conversation though and as always she stood there smiling and staring at me. My co-works said I still should've asked her out even though he was there. I thought that might have been in bad taste since I didn't know the nature or reason for them being together.  I don't want to seem desperate but I'd hate see her with another... Worst case scenario if she is taken and I've missed my chances. Do you have any advice for getting over a crush? I'm really hoping they aren't dating and I can ask her out the next time I see her. Thank you Dr, Neder

ANSWER: Hello again Kori!

Of course it's "worth it". Here's the problem: while it's late in the game (which reduces your chances) the game's not over. If nothing else you'll learn a valuable lesson here. At least you'll have asked and you'll either: 1) get the date, or 2) find out if she's interested or not. At least you won't be sitting around wondering, "what if?"

Right: you don't know if they're dating. Again, you're worried about something you don't know about. Don't play anyone else's game - play your own. Decide what you want and go for it. That's true in love and in life.

Also, you should NEVER worry about other guys - even "boyfriends". You don't know what their status is and besides, it's not your job to judge it anyway. Your job is to give her the choice and let HER make a decision. Don't make the decisions for her.

As to getting over the crush, let's deal with that if it happens - not before. Assume your next problem will be where to go on the date!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I haven't seen my crush at all this week. I was wondering if it would be acceptable to send her a message over facebook (we are facebook friends) to ask if she'd like to grab lunch or something? I was thinking of saying something like " Hello how are you? I really enjoy talking to when ever you come through. I was wondering if you'd like to have lunch sometime?" And then leave her my number. Or do you think I should just wait until I see her in person? The only issue with in person is that I won't be at work for the few days. Thank you.

Answer
Hey Kori!

NO!! Do NOT ask someone out on a date over FB. It's very, very weak - and looks that way. Wait until you see her or have some other reason to communicate.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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