You are here:

General Dating Questions/confused about casual sex


Hi. I am in my mid-thirties and I was feeling a little lonely, so I decided to have a "friends with benefits" relationship with someone I went to school with. We only saw each other a few times and he then abruptly stopped contacting me and even blocked me from the site we talked on. I'm confused, though about whether he even found me the least bit attractive, especially since we only saw each other four times. I have heard different opinions from friends: If a guy REALLY URGENTLY wants some sex, does it even matter if he is the least bit attracted to her?  It sure doesn't boost my self-confidence if he just was looking for the first woman to say yes to him. I know that he has slept with a LOT of women also; this website is very well known for being a casual sex site, although I was not aware of this fact when we were having sex. I found this out soon afterwards after he cut me off. I saw that he had hundreds, as in 500-600 female "friends" on his friends list. I was perfectly aware that we were having a sex-only relationship and that was fine with me, I just didn't know it would end so quickly. That is why I'm wondering if he was just looking for an easy target, regardless of her attractiveness/ugliness.  I already have low self-confidence about my looks sometimes and this makes me feel even worse. What are your thoughts and opinion?? One more thing: A couple of months later, he contacted me on facebook and wanted to see me but at the same time, not totally sure about it. I also got a message a week or two later from his apparent live-in girlfriend saying that he cut me off because I was "boring" and he "found a better fuck". I am thinking that possibly he was afraid of her checking his phone messages when he contacted me a week or two BEFORE she sent this message to me. I think he was sleeping when she sent the message because two and a half hours went by, and then I went back and saw he had seen the reply I wrote to the live-in girlfriend. I simply told her "Thanks for the info". She had told me she was kicking him out because of his cheating and freeloading. She told me not to fall for his bullshit. In addition to her remarks about him finding me "boring" in bed, etc.  Ok, I have told you as much info as I can regarding my question about him finding me the least bit sexy or not.  Thank you for your help and time!

Hello Holly!

The vast majority of women I talk to misunderstand how men equate a woman's looks to her "sexual value". They (women) believe that the better looking a woman is the more we (men) want to have sex with her. That's (frankly) a pretty unsophisticated way of thinking about men. Honestly, the vast, VAST majority of men I know are far more multi-dimensional than that.

There are many things that go into sexual attraction for men just as it is with women. Even more than a woman's looks however are her enthusiasm and availability. With that said however, very few men can have sex with women they find completely unattractive.

So, it's very likely he found you attractive at least to some degree. That doesn't necessarily mean you're a "10" in his book but you're certainly not a "1" either. By the same token I've seen many "9's" and "10's" quickly become "1's" and "2's" due to attitude problems, lack of sexuality, sexual ability, sexual sophistication, etc. Just like how you women complain that so many men talk themselves "out of sex" with you; trust me, you girls do just the same with us - particularly if we have even one other option.

Consider how many stories you hear about guys who are with extremely beautiful women (by general standards) who leave them for (or cheat on them with) far-less attractive women. A few examples come to mind like Jesse James leaving Sandra Bullock for Kat Von D. I doubt many people would consider Kat even close to the beauty of Sandra, but Jesse's complaint was that Sandra wasn't "sexual".

I've heard women comment on that by going back to the original argument and saying, "Whaa??? Look how beautiful she is! Of course she's sexy!" These girls entirely miss the point.

Consider other examples like Hugh Grant, Jude Law and Tiger Woods. While I hate using celebrities as examples for non-celebrities, most women get the message about these situations wrong too. They think that; since the women these men are with are so incredibly beautiful (by their own standards by the way - different than what most guys think!) that they, themselves have little chance of keeping great men. In fact, looks have almost nothing whatsoever to do with it! It's almost entirely about a woman's sexuality!

This is why I continue to harp on women to discover, explore and build on their sexualities. The sad reality however is that most women don't do this. Instead, they just wait for some guy to come along and "turn everything on" for them. You girls are FAR more complicated sexually than us guys are. You have to discover all these things FIRST just to be able to communicate these complexities to us!

So it's entirely likely that this guy actually found you attractive but lost interest because you haven't done the work on your sexuality. He gave up after a few tries and went back to someone who had greater skill, enthusiasm, availability, range or something else he wanted to have.

Now, therein lays the best news ever! You can work on and build your sexuality! You're not stuck where you are at all. You actually reached out to someone as a sexual partner - and that takes some huge courage! (Good for you by the way!) Now, the next step is to turn this around from just basic, maintenance sex into an education process. By focusing on gaining experience, range and other things you actually increase your value and the level of interest you'll get from guys.

You could easily wind up as the girl who guys leave beauties to be with. What would THAT do for your self-esteem???

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

General Dating Questions

All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts


Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Doctor of Philosophy

©2016 All rights reserved.