General Dating Questions/Dating advice

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QUESTION: Hi
 My questions are on on-line dating,meeting the guy for the first time.I was asked to meet a guy this weekend,for a coffee.We have never meet before & so I'm nervous.We have been e-mailing back & forth.To be talking by e-mail & to meet him in person.Are two different things,by e-mail yr more relaxed & confident as well as chatty. What can I talk to him about with out boring him,in person? How will I know he likes me,what would be the signs?

Thank you so much
Julie-ann

ANSWER: Hello Julie-Ann!

I agree. Email and meeting in person are two VERY different things.

Keep in mind that you will always want to get to the in-person meeting as quickly as you possibly can. The reason for this is to prevent impressions being made (that are almost impossible to break) before actually finding out who someone is.

It works like this: you and he begin emailing. Before each response you get to carefully consider exactly the words and meaning you want to convey. You can't do this when you're sitting next to someone as you have to respond quickly and naturally. The more email you send back and forth the greater the misinterpretation. Thus, my rule of no more than 3 email exchanges before going "live".

As to what to talk about: I get you. You don't want to seem self-absorbed or boring or uninterested. Wouldn't it be easier if you already knew what you had in common with him and could talk about that? It'd sure make things easier, right?

Well, I have just the thing! Here's the reality: while we all have different interests and perspectives, every single person on the planet shares at least one thing we ALL are interested in. Answer: ourselves.

In other words, we are self-interested. Just as you are, so is he. Thus, if you want to keep the conversation going easily and naturally, all you need to do is to ask him about himself! Don't discount this technique as being too obvious or common - it's not. When you're sitting there talking to someone we always gravitate back to our own personal interests. In fact, it's something of a real skill to learn to talk to someone else about themselves.

The best way to do that is to learn to ask "open-ended questions" ("OEQ's"). These are questions that require more than a one-word answer like "yes", "no", "maybe", "blue" or "69".

Instead, learn to ask questions like, "What do you like most about on-line dating?" "What's the toughest part of your job?" and "Why do you think the Chinese are so reproductively successful?"

The point here is to draw him out. Hopefully, he'll also do the same thing with you.

By the way, that's also the answer to your last question. If he strives to get to know you as well - by asking you about yourself, your background, your beliefs, etc., that's a very good signal that he's interested in you since we don't tend to spend energy learning about those who don't interest us.

Likewise, things like holding eye contact (unless he's particularly shy), leaning in toward you, using "open postures" (arms unfolded, face and/or shoulders squared right at you) are things to look for. They key to reading body language however is to get multiple signals in rapid succession. Looking away from you don't by itself mean he's not interested. Looking away from you, leaning back, pointing his body away and not listening or engaging in conversation are.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for that advice,really helpful.I live in a family that aren't very close.My Dad is not the most pleasant of people to hold a conversation with.He tends to mention family issue that are not of interest or peoples business, private family issues.He would say things that many would feel he shouldn't say. So I would feel uncomfortable should they meet.You wouldn't get to know me throw my Dad.My Dad would not be the type of parent, that is very close to his kids.So I am unsure how to be more at ease, should this guy come to my home to see me.Or how to explain my family background to him with out scarying him off.

Thank you so much

ANSWER: Hello again Julie-Ann!

I'm afraid I'm not clear on your question or the circumstances around it.

Are you living at home with your dad? Do you feel your dad would be a disruptive or inappropriate factor on getting to know this guy?

Your first date(s) shouldn't be held with a chaperon. If you want to invite your date over to a meal after you've been out a couple of times that might be a different thing. Even then, your father should know you like the guy and that he's expected to be on his best behavior.

Even if he's not appropriate with everyone, he can certainly control himself for a few hours if he knows it's important to you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I am 33yrs old but I still live with my Brother & my Dad.But hoping to change my living situation in the near future.I feel from past incounters of him talking to my sisters or brothers friends etc..That he tends to bring up things that are of family issues that are not their business. He tends to give a run down of every one in the family. What they are doing with their life,quickly followed by their failures. A complement does not come easy to him of me or another family members.I am just thinking a head,if it was a thing.If meeting this guy goes very well.And he was to drop by & meet my family,particularly my Dad,feel uncomfortable about that.

Thank you for coming back to me so quickly.
Julie-ann

Answer
Hey Julie-Ann!

You haven't even met this guy yet. It's a little premature to start thinking about him meeting your family.

However; that said, a specific, clear comment to your dad about what's appropriate is likely to go a long way. Parents can certainly drive you nuts sometimes, but I'm sure he wants all of his kids to be happy.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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