General Dating Questions/How long to wait

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QUESTION: Can I start out by saying you're by far the best expert I've written on this site? *Hand clapping noise*

Here's what's on my mind:
After a loooooong time, I finally got the guts to tell my crush that I wanted to go out with him sometime because my heart beats faster every time I see him. All I considered was how cute I thought this sentiment was.

I wrote this to him on Facebook because I couldn't see him in person. I tried, but we couldn't make our schedules work. I know, how lame am I. It's like middle school.

He said my message caught him off guard. That surprised me because he flirts with me unceasingly on the rare occasions when I do see him. I responded, "Now you know. No pressure." It's been four days since I sent the first message.

I am not particularly concerned. Just wondering - how long do I wait before taking him out of consideration? And just for my future benefit: Would guys generally be more likely to find this flattering? Or creepy if, like in my case, you only see the guy six times a year (when you happen to cross paths)? My take on it is that guys always find attention flattering if you're not weird about it, but I think I might have been a little weird.

ANSWER: Hello Aziza!

You know that I'll answer your question whether you stroke my ego or not, right?    ;)

GOOD JOB on talking to this guy! This is really tough for a lot of people - women OR men. At least you've done something about it.

One thing to consider however is that approaching him first, you are now the person setting the pace and direction. In other words, unless you specifically set things up for him to respond he's likely waiting for YOU to make the next move - not planning what he should be doing.

Let me explain this a little better.

If you approached him by saying that you'd be open to getting to know him better when he's ready that implies (pretty clearly) that he should make some next move. If you simply lay out that you are interested but give him no specific way to make something happen, he's likely waiting for you to do that.

That's not at all a bad thing by the way! It *IS* a new millennium with new rules. Women don't have to wait for guys to wake the hell up and do something any more!

So, if you're waiting for him to do something it's probably going to be a long wait. He's waiting for YOU to make the next move - which you can do easily and in many ways. For instance, do you have his mobile number? If so, you can simply text him that you're going to be available next weekend (for instance) if he's around thus leaving it to him to set something up. You can do something similar on FB or you can simply ask him which day is better for him - Friday or Sunday (for example).

As to this "flattery" question: yes, guys generally are flattered by this sort of direct attention but you have to understand that we're also confused by it.

The fact is; you girls are notoriously good (bad?) at keeping most of your intentions and interests hidden. Thus, we don't usually know what to make of something so direct. This is also why he's likely waiting for you to "make it real". BTW: you have your grandmother, mother, sisters and other women to "thank" for that confusion! It's an odd cultural situation that has happened only over the last 50 years or so!

Frankly, even if you're a little "weird about it" it probably comes off more charming than strange. Believe me, younger guys aren't very subtle about things either!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Ok. I can ask him to hang I out at a specific time. No problem. But I still need him to tell me whether he's actually interested or not, right? Sofar all he said was that I caught him off guard. I have a number for him, but I think it's his work number because I have talked to him about career development before.

And do I really want to do that anyway? Do I want to be the one setting the tone the whole time? That doesn't sound fun to me. I don't even know at this point whether he's interested and well I don't wanna nag.

Answer
Hello again Aziza!

No, you don't need him to say anything. His actions are far, far more important than his words. If he agrees, he's interested. It's as simple as that.

You may want him to pick up the ball and move it down-field but you didn't set that up. Thus if you sit around waiting for him to do something this is just going to die. As I've already said you still can do that by giving him an opening and (indirectly) telling him to make the next move.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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