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General Dating Questions/How to get back with an ex girlfriend after 3 years apart?


My ex girlfriend and I dated for around one year during our Freshman/Sophomore years of high school, from February 2010 to February 2011. She ended up breaking up with me because she started prioritizing her other activites over our relationship, which caused constant conflicts about why she wasn't hanging out with me, or why I was being so clingy, etc.

For about two years after the breakup, we were like enemies. We would block each other on facebook/email and ignore each other, and when we finally did talk we said hurtful things to spite each other. I swear we decided to "try being friends" at least 6 times, but none of them worked out for more than a few weeks.

Things finally settled down during our Senior year, and we just stopped talking to each other altogether. There was a period of time from April 2013 to December 2013 where I didn't hear a word from her, probably since we were graduating high school at that time and she moved across the country to go to school.

During this past winter break, I felt a strange urge to talk to her and see how she was doing. I didn't think I had feelings for her at the time, but after we hung out on three seperate occasions, (going to the movies, lifting weights at the gym, chilling at my house), I felt all those old feelings coming back. I didn't remember having so much fun with her (and her having so much fun with me) in a long time, so I figured I'd try asking her if she wanted to get back together.

Since she already went back to school, I called her on the phone and told her my feelings. I said that I didn't think I ever stopped loving her throughout those three years that we were apart, and whenever I looked at other girls to see if I could possibly date them, none of them were as good as her.

She told me that was really cute and she said that I was a great guy to be around, but she felt that she didn't want a relationship at all right now. I could tell that it was hard for her to say no to me because she got pretty emotional during the phone call, which was odd of her because usually I'm more emotional than her!

I probably didn't handle the situation too wisely because I tried persuading her to come back (telling her to weigh the pros and cons, comparing our maturity level now to three years ago, etc), and she eventually lashed out and told me that she didnt like me in that way and she didnt want me to bring it up again.

I waited about 3 weeks before I called her and offered to be friends for real this time, because I felt that in all the years we'd known each other, we had never been real friends; we were either lovers or enemies, but never friends. She happily agreed to the proposal and promised me that she would make an effort to be friends because we'd only see each other every few months due to our long distance apart.

Since then, she has kept true to her promise and has texted me every few weeks to see how I was, and we even talked on the phone for about 15 minutes on two occasions just to catch up. Most recently, she texted me and told me that she was coming back for spring break, and wanted to hang out.

After we hung out once, she told me she wanted to hang out again before she left, so we hung out twice this past week; I took her bowling, we played pool, we watched a movie at my house, and we went to go lift weights again. Like the first time, we had a great time with each other and I swear she was even a little flirty at times, especially in the gym (commenting on how much I lifted and how bulky I was getting). She also bought me protein shakes after working out on both occasions.

When I was saying goodbye to her earlier today, I asked her I could visit her over the summer because she didn't think she was going to come back home, and she said yes. I also told her that I was going to miss her a lot and asked if she would miss me - another yes. I even kissed her on the head as we hugged goodbye and she didn't seem to mind.

Anyways, time for the question. I feel like I've gotten to the point with her that she likes me at least as a very good friend, if not more than a friend, but she does not want a relationship. It's very frustrating for me because I don't want to be friend zoned, but I can't bring up the topic of getting back together again because she already told me not to bring it up. I'd have to wait for her to bring it up, but she's very bad at talking about her feelings, so I cant imagine a scenario where she'd ask me to get back together, even if she did love me.

Any advice on how to proceed without destroying what I've already created? Thank you!

what will it take for you to realize/accept that she's not interested in a romantic relationship with you? you're wasting precious time/energy trying to bang a square peg into a round hole...time to back away, put down the hammer; 2 people can't be real friends if one is still emotionally involved--then it's just using the "friends zone" as a waiting area where one just HOPES that something will change; you really don't want to be in this position; it's finally time to accept reality, stop communicating until your feelings are just "neutral", and refocus your energies on meeting/dating those that are emotionally available---she's not...

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expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks


Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.

BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.

Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and announces CT matchmaking service..for more, go to

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