General Dating Questions/Just wanted to ask for some advice
Hi, Dr Neder. I'm a 24 year old man from the UK. I've been a fan of your online columns and articles for a long time. There are other dating gurus here in the UK, but I don't usually pay much attention to them as they just aren't as smart as you. The problem I have is that I'm a virgin. I have actually never been beyond what you guys refer to as first-base, with a woman. I have basically had no experience at all in that area. I realise that for any man, that's concerning... but especially for a guy of my age. I think virginity is a huge turn-off for women - probably more than anything else. I have reached a point in life where I finally feel ready to do something about this. I haven't done anything before now for a multitude of reasons. I'm considering visiting a prostitute and losing my virginity to her. I'm nervous about that, but I don't think it will ever happen if I don't. I don't want to end up like one of those guys in their 30s or 40s who are still virgins. I don't want to die as a virgin, either. I worry about that quite often.
Do you think the prostitute/hooker idea is something I should go for? I've basically given up on losing it the 'normal' way, in an actual relationship, like most people do. Also, I was wondering, do you have any advice for a guy generally lacking in self-esteem or confidence? I'm kind of a miserable grouch. There are 84 year old guys who probably have a brighter outlook on life than me, lol. I guess I'm looking for a pep talk, or a jolt to the system... or any kind of inspirational advice at all. You are the only expert who I trust to offer any worthwhile advice in that regard.
Well, maybe these other "gurus" are way smarter than me but I just have you fooled!? How about that??? ;)
You'd be surprised at how many people (men AND women) write to me with the exact same problem you have. In fact, many of these people are in their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's and even 60's. That is a very long time to wait to get a problem like this fixed, don't you think? (I do!) At least you're reaching out trying to get it handled now. The rest of your 20's is going to be a very different experience than the first part!
There is a concept I talk a lot about called "social proof". It gets rather involved but the simplest explanation is that many women use other women's interest in you as one indication of how interested they should be in you. In other words, if other women find value in you they too often believe they should - and will look for it. That's why many women seem to shun virgins.
Now, I have to wonder why women know you're a virgin? You'd have to lack a lot of skills to give off such an obvious vibe to people who don't know you - unless of course you're outing yourself about it. Then my question becomes: why would you do that? Nobody needs to know your entire dating history! In fact the idea of being "totally and completely honest" about anything is a farce. It can't possibly happen - and you shouldn't be forcing it.
Let's talk about hiring a pro(stitute):
Prostitution is a long, time-honored tradition. Even though it's illegal in many places that doesn't change the fact that it exists and in fact, thrives. There's a reason for that by the way - it's a needed service. As many pros will tell you: they've saved more marriages than any church ever has and I'm inclined to believe them!
If all you're looking to do is to lose your virginity this is certainly one way to do it and if you're careful, I don't see a problem with it. If you feel it'll remove that "virgin stank" you're suffering with then it's certainly an option.
However, remember that being a virgin isn't the "problem" here. It's the symptom. You're still going to have the same lack of skills after you lose your virginity as you do now. THAT is the real problem and is something you can easily fix if you'll just focus on that.
Lacking confidence or self-esteem is also a symptom of not having the education you need in order to be more attractive to women and thus, change your dating, sex and relationship life.
You weren't born a "miserable grouch". You've taken on that persona; you've adopted it as your own and now you wear it like some women-repelling badge of honor. I don't know what has happened to you that makes you choose (and yes, it's a CHOICE!) that persona over other, more attractive ones, but frankly Rob, it doesn't matter.
It's the same issue when someone tells me they are "shy". No, they are not. Just like lacking confidence or having a low self-esteem, being shy is a choice - and it absolutely situational. You have to make the (conscious or unconscious) decision every single day to be that way. That's a lot of work!
Consider this: even those people who we consider "confident" aren't that way all the time any more than those who are shy are that way all the time. For instance, are you "shy" when you're around your family? Are you "shy" when you're at work doing what you know well? Of course not! You're confident as hell about at least those few points.
Now, consider what would change if you made one other decision for yourself: you decided that; instead of floating through life as a "wondering generality" without direction or education to effect that direction, you did the terribly hard thing (sarcastically) of just deciding you weren't going to live that way. You just decided to end that tired, worn part of your life and to live and be different.
Out of that you decided to gain the knowledge you avoided learning when you were younger. You picked up my books and started studying and learning new ways to think, act, speak and BE. All of a sudden, armed with that new knowledge; do you really think you'd still be shy, lack confidence or have low self-esteem? Well, maybe for a split second, but the very first time you put those tools into practice and had a girl look you in the eye and smile admiringly, that'd all change forever.
Being "negative" or "positive" is simply a matter of degree. If; right now, you're say, 80% negative, it will tend to stay that way or get worse. However, if you just worked on becoming 51% positive, eventually, that will turn into 52% which will become 54% which will become 58% and so on. Eventually, you'll be 80% positive and what did you do to have to earn that? Not so much: you made a choice, and got some education. Then, your life changed.
Rob, your problem isn't virginity. It's your choices. Make new ones and discover a new life.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”