General Dating Questions/not sure


Hello Dr. Nedar and thankyou for taking the time to read this.  My question isnt that difficult.  I have approached a girl at the gym about 5 days ago.  We hit it off really well but I didnt go in for the kill because we are regulars and I see her a lot just not in the past 5 days.  I talked to a couple of my buddies about it and they think it sounds positive and that she may have even been flirting with me.  I agree.  She was very open, she had a lot to say, smiling, we gave each other a compliment.  It was a good casual conversation for the first time meeting her.  
         Now since I have not seen her in 5 days doesn't mean anything.  It just means our schedules haven't been the same.  It happens.  One of my buddies said he saw her just the other day but I was working.  
         When I knew I was going to talk to her I wanted to get to know her.  I didn't want to come off like a player at a club and just ask for her phone #.  It doesn't work that way at the gym.  We already see each other frequently and now we know each others name.  I wanted to introduce myself, get to know her alittle bit before asking her out.  I know I will see her again and soon.  
         My question and concern is that I get so excited, like anxiety build up that is distracting and annoying.  Its like I can't wait to see her again to ask her out.  Do you have any suggestions on how I can calm myself down?  

Hello Mike!

Yes, I do have a suggestion: DO IT ALREADY!

Mike, you're creating all your own anxiety by holding things off! You're building her up into something she absolutely is not. She's just a girl. Nothing more. She's not the future mother of your unborn children. She's not your savior. She's not even your workout partner.

Stop giving her all this power over you. When you have an opportunity, you'd better take it. Life is funny that way. If you ignore opportunities (like you did with her) it has a funny way of taking away future opportunities!

You'll now begin to think, "Oh, this isn't the right time. She doesn't look like she's in an agreeable mood. She doesn't have her hair perfect. She's talking to some other guy.", etc., etc.

You're actually building a situation that doesn't really exist.

So, you don't want to come off as a "player"? Really? Who in the hell cares! By not going for what you want you've probably come off as something far worse than a player - a coward.

Mike, stop and think about this. Do you really think this girl is so dumb as to not know what you want? Then, she sees you come over and talk to her and you can't even pull the trigger. That is NOT the message you want to send!

Here's how you get over being nervous: YOU DO IT. That's it. You haven't "done it" (with this girl and likely countless others) due to a complete lack of understanding of what and how to do it so you instead think "playing it cool" is your ally. No Mike, it's not.

The very next time you see this girl, don't hesitate. Don't hedge. Don't try to think up the 1001 one "good excuses" why you can't and go get this girl's number. Then, tell her you'll call her next week to get together - and do it.

ACTION is your answer. LACK OF ACTION is your problem.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Doctor of Philosophy

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