General Dating Questions/Advice
Hi Dr Neder
I was wondering whether you could give me some advice.
I met a guy online a few years ago and we met and discussed what we wanted from the relationship.
He told me he only wanted sex and I was hoping to meet someone. I had never tried online dating before and wanted to try it out.
I thought he would say that he wasn't interested, but we ended up meeting and had sex, and have been seeing each other for about 3 years. - Lunch and sex.
We have talked about our attraction for each other and each time he tells me what he is looking for in a woman, and how I seem to be what he's looking for.
I was wondering whether this guy is only interested in sex and nothing else? I have asked him if he wants a relationship or not and he says if he meets the right person.
We know pretty much everything there is to know about each other.
Words are not actions. Confusing them is a sure way to being unhappy.
What is appears you have isn't any sort of "relationship" at all. You have a fuck-buddy. It's lasted 3 years but that doesn't change the fact of what it is.
By the way, that's perfectly acceptable if you're happy with it. I assume (at least I hope) the sex is incredible and that's what makes you hang in there. If you're doing the lunch-n-sex thing hoping for more, you're not going to get it.
Let's differentiate what you have and a real relationship just to see the difference. Right now, you both meet up on some schedule - maybe randomly, maybe regularly. You talk, laugh, etc., and have sex. He tells you want he wants and you hear that he wants what you are. Either he doesn't see that or he doesn't agree.
In a relationship, you have not only the habit of getting together (and hopefully having incredible sex!) but you're also spending time together on holidays, birthdays, family events, hanging out with friends, etc. You automatically know that you're invited to things he does just as he is invited to things you do. You both take personal responsibility in the values of the other person. You don't have to share the same hobbies, but you at least try them out because they are important to your partner.
If you were to get sick, would he be there to care for you as you go through it? I'll bet you'd be there for him, but this has to be two-way or it's not a "relationship".
Sex is a powerful connection, but a relationship demands more. It's not the format that makes something a relationship by the way: there are many marriages that aren't "relationships" for instance and there are many relationships where the partners aren't even committed only to each other sexually. The difference is in committing and caring about the other person's values, well-being, future and life in general.
Unless those qualities are met, you don't have a "relationship".
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”