General Dating Questions/Advice

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Question
Hi Dr Neder

I was wondering whether you could give me some advice.

I met a guy online a few years ago and we met and discussed what we wanted from the relationship.

He told me he only wanted sex and I was hoping to meet someone. I had never tried online dating before and wanted to try it out.

I thought he would say that he wasn't interested, but we ended up meeting and had sex, and have been seeing each other for about 3 years. - Lunch and sex.

We have talked about our attraction for each other and each time he tells me what he is looking for in a woman, and how I seem to be what he's looking for.

I was wondering whether this guy is only interested in sex and nothing else? I have asked him if he wants a relationship or not and he says if he meets the right person.

We know pretty much everything there is to know about each other.

Answer
Hello Jenny!

Words are not actions. Confusing them is a sure way to being unhappy.

What is appears you have isn't any sort of "relationship" at all. You have a fuck-buddy. It's lasted 3 years but that doesn't change the fact of what it is.

By the way, that's perfectly acceptable if you're happy with it. I assume (at least I hope) the sex is incredible and that's what makes you hang in there. If you're doing the lunch-n-sex thing hoping for more, you're not going to get it.

Let's differentiate what you have and a real relationship just to see the difference. Right now, you both meet up on some schedule - maybe randomly, maybe regularly. You talk, laugh, etc., and have sex. He tells you want he wants and you hear that he wants what you are. Either he doesn't see that or he doesn't agree.

In a relationship, you have not only the habit of getting together (and hopefully having incredible sex!) but you're also spending time together on holidays, birthdays, family events, hanging out with friends, etc. You automatically know that you're invited to things he does just as he is invited to things you do. You both take personal responsibility in the values of the other person. You don't have to share the same hobbies, but you at least try them out because they are important to your partner.

If you were to get sick, would he be there to care for you as you go through it? I'll bet you'd be there for him, but this has to be two-way or it's not a "relationship".

Sex is a powerful connection, but a relationship demands more. It's not the format that makes something a relationship by the way: there are many marriages that aren't "relationships" for instance and there are many relationships where the partners aren't even committed only to each other sexually. The difference is in committing and caring about the other person's values, well-being, future and life in general.

Unless those qualities are met, you don't have a "relationship".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
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http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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