General Dating Questions/how to approach this

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QUESTION: Hello, Dennis

I recently met a very nice girl and we seem to connect in many ways my question is that she wants to wait to be intimate for 2 months.
I think is too long for me because I think in a relationship that connects me more to the person.
She said that she has had sex first to seal the deal and she never hears from the guy again so she wants to wait to build the relationship before sex.
I'm am puzzled that I don't know how long is the right time i mention that if that was going to happen that it was going to without forcing it.
what do you think about this doc?
I don't want to feel like she's making up excuses, I really like her and I'm willing to wait but would that really make a difference.

Thank you for your time.

ANSWER: Hello Johnathan!

Let's begin here: when is the "right time" to have sex? Answer: when you're both ready.

Unfortunately, she's making a huge mistake here and doesn't understand what that is or why she's losing otherwise great guys.

Here's the reality: due to a number of factors built into us humans (and in fact, 98% of all other mammals) by nature, guys don't really know if we want to be in committed relationships with women until after we've had sex with them. Monogamous relationships aren't really the natural way we're designed and actually goes against our wiring as humans.

Many women believe that if they hold you off from sex that you'll continue to commit deeper and deeper causing you to then be "locked in" when you finally do have sex. Nothing could be further from the truth. Instead what happens is that our "window of opportunity" begins to close. As that closure happens, we get more focused on sex - not on any relationship trying to get passed it so we can finally determine if we want to be involved with this particular girl for longer than the one (or two or three...) nights.

Until you've had sex with a girl you have absolutely no idea whether you want to be involved with her on a longer-term level and that opportunity only lasts a limited amount of time. It doesn't work that way for women by the way.

During that window of opportunity, any particular woman has access to your "heart" (emotional side) and thus, access to you in the context of a relationship. Once it's closed however, we can still have sex with a woman but she'll never again have access to our hearts. Most guys want to be in relationships too but lose that ability (with a particular woman) after this. Thus, once we figure that out (after sex) we move on to find someone else we can have that relationship with.

This is something most women simply don't understand. It's obviously true of this girl as well. She thinks that by holding you off for a long period of time that you'll continue to invest in her and she'll be increasing her "relationship value" to you. Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact, she's almost insuring that she'll never have you with that logic.

Going back to what I said before, a couple should wait until they are ready to have sex - however long that is - but both need to understand the risks involved. The longer you wait, the less likely it is that you'll get together as a couple. It's interesting to note that in the vast majority of solid, long-term relationships, the couple had sex VERY early - usually within 3 dates!

That should tell you something.

Thus, setting some arbitrary timeframe to wait on sex isn't a very good idea.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello, Dennis

Thank you very much for your response.
My other question that arise in the relationship is that at first she wanted us to be exclusive while we're dating. I agreed because it's easy for me I want to focus on one person at a time, but in the time we have been seeing each other she had mention a few guys she met prior to our dating which is fine. fast forward to now we're officially boyfriend and girlfriend.
Recently my girlfriend told me her ex called her to say he moved to Los Angeles to be in a relationship with someone but it didn't work out for him and now he realized how much she meant to him. She said to me I'm not saying that to you to make you jealous.
I said to her that I'm not comparing myself to anyone and if she prefers to be with someone else i will respect her decision.
The thing is that she gets mad at me if I talk to other girls but I'm starting to find out that she's still talks to ex's or prior dates from online dating but in her book I'm not allowed to or she thinks I'm cheating.
I had thought about confronting her about this (double standard) but in the process I don't want her to start keeping things from me.
Do you have any suggestion on how to approach her in regards to this situation.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my letter.

ANSWER: Hello again Johnathan!

You'll "respect" her decision to be with someone else? What the hell? Why would you respect such a thing? Don't YOU have rights here too? Is this all about what SHE wants and screw what's in your best interest?

You need to SERIOUSLY rethink that ridiculous "progressive" attitude - at least if you ever want to actually keep a girlfriend!

Here's the real problem: you have a complete lack of any underlying foundational belief system about relationships. You think your job is to appease her and make her happy and then, maybe, just maybe, you'll get what you want.

It does NOT work that Johnathan! Someone has to steer the ship and it'd better be you. If not, she'll get bored with you almost right away and you'll be sitting there all by yourself while she goes off with all these other guys she's meeting.

Stop and think about this for a minute: do you actually believe that if she were totally and completely in love with you; if she was terrified of losing you, that she'd pull any of this crap? Of course not. She KNOWS you're going to do anything she tells you to do and will put up with anything she wants - even if it's not fair, smart or even reasonable.

THAT is why you're in this situation right now! You don't even have a foot to put down.

I suggest you go find that foot somewhere. It'll likely be located right next to your balls. Check her purse. Then, put everything back where it belongs and fix all of this.

You need to tell her that YOU aren't going to put up with double standards, expectations that aren't met, not getting your needs met or anything else like that. YOU have rights here too. Don't make this about her at all - she's already getting everything she claims to want (although, she really doesn't want any of it - she wants you to stand up and be a man for a change).

If you want her to control your relationship then make her ACTIONS be the deciding factor - not her words. If she's talking to ex-boyfriends and has all these other friends, then you get to have them too. It's a really simple formula, but it takes you having some balls here and not being led around by the nose.

Step up already!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Dennis

Thank you for your response.
The reason she's bringing conversations about ex's and friends she met online is so that i can stand up and tell her it's not cool to be telling me that stuff because I'm her boyfriend.
I don't want to be the controlling or jealous type but I knew that if she continue to talk about them I will put a stop to it and the sooner the better.
I'm just starting to get to know her and see where she's coming from.
Last night we went out and she told me her ex texted her again and he was drunk, she told him to stop texting her because she had a new boyfriend and it was inappropriate to text her and besides it was none of her business what was going on with his relationship.
When you said that i needed to put my foot down or steer the ship did you mean like she's not allowed to talk about about her past relationships or guys she just met prior to meeting me?
wouldn't that sound as being controlling?
I've put my foot down in the past and i get accused of being insecure or jealous. So what is the best way to tackle this to where i don't sound to be any of those things.

Thank you Dennis I appreciate your advice.

Answer
Hey Johnathan!

There's a HUGE difference between being controlling and jealous and standing up for your rights. One is "domineering" and the other is "dominant". You want to be dominant, but then, you have to actually believe you have rights. I don't think you do!

Here's the problem you run into: if you place demands on her like that she can't talk to ex's how are you ever going to enforce it? If they call or text her, what are you going to do - go beat THEM up? No, you don't want to set rules you can't enforce.

Instead, you have to LEAD her to that conclusion. As I said before, she's not at all scared of losing you. She doesn't even really think about what's best for you or your relationship. You haven't demanded that from her. The further down this relationship path you get the more difficult it becomes because she's going to realize you won't back it up. The pure fact is; the person who wants the relationship the LEAST is in charge. You aren't in charge.

Instead, you need to take the focus away from her and put it back on you. You do that by saying, "Do you think that having all this connection with your ex - not shutting him down completely and permanently is respectful to me or our relationship? [before she answers] No, it is not. Look: if you want to go back and eat from the same hamburger you threw away before when you have a fresh, sizzling steak at home, be my guest. I'll just realize that I made a mistake and go looking for someone else who wants steak".

The difference here is that it's not at all about control. It's about you and what you want and expect. You're not setting rules for her you're setting benchmarks for her to reach. You're giving her something to go for - not trying to take something away.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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