General Dating Questions/Girl in my class.

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I’m a graduate student and my question is about some girl from a class I have.  I don’t want to bother you with too much detail but even before I started talking to her it always felt to me that she was interested in me by her body language and eye contact.  I started talking to her about classes and  I got her number under the guise of helping her with an assignment. However, we do talk when we’re going home from classes and she acts quite receptive, smiles a lot and keeps the conversation going. Basically, I can say she likes my presence.

I already helped her on the assignment we had. We spent a few hours together. She smiled shyly a lot but the environment didn’t seem very conducive to get personal and flirty. The other day we were again walking out of the building and it was raining REALLY hard. It was not the ideal time to ask her to do something but I asked her if she had to go home RIGHT AWAY (so I could ask her to get something to eat). She said yes so I didn't push it. However, before she left, we did talk on a personal level about our lives and I asked her if she’d like to get lunch next week. She said yes and “if not, I’ll see you on wednesday” (when we have our class). Just today (sunday) I send her a text asking what she was doing. She was not being very responsive…. as she was working on a project . However, after inquiring a bit I was able to change the topic to something fun and we texted for around an hour.  After a while, her demeanor changed completely (a lot of smileys and long quick responses etc) until around 1 am when she said she had to go to the gym early in the morning and wished me a goodnight and said we’ll talk later.  

That happened about an hour ago.

I have no clue what her interest level is. I did ask her if she wanted to have lunch sometime this coming week…and she said yes but I didn’t suggest a date or time and lunch doesn’t really mean anything romantic (and I didn’t follow up on that today).
Another problem is that she seems very guarded. In class, she doesn’t talk to anyone. Just stares at her phone (which is why it peaked my curiosity when she made so much eye contact with me). I actually feel a bit uncomfortable getting flirtatious with her. The good thing is that with todays text chat..I did make things more personal and fun and I will try to ask her to spend some one-on-one time in the next couple of days.

My question to you is:

Is a girl’s initial interest level always important or can one do something to raise her interest? Considering how guarded she seems, do you think its ok to just go ahead and ask her out?  Do you have any ideas to get her to open up. She’s quite attractive but from what I know so far her social life isn’t THAT rich and she mostly hangs out with the same friends every weekend. She doesn’t talk to people unless spoken to. Do you think I should just start being flirtatious and spontaneous or would that not be a good tactic with this girl? I don’t really care how interested she is anymore. There’s no point in guessing. But I would like to give it the best shot and I would really appreciate any advice on how to get her to open up to a point where she’s not shy with me and where I can feel confident enough to get a second date (knowing that she’ll join in the fun).


Thank you.

Answer
Hello Mike!

I think you're taking the wrong path here and you're asking me the wrong questions, but I'll answer them anyway:

1. You're confusing "interest" with "attraction". They aren't the same thing but you're using the term as though they are. Her "interest level" is solid. Her "attraction level" is the unknown here. You want to raise her interest level? Threaten her with a knife one day. You'll get all the "interest" from her she has. Of course, that's not going to lead to building attraction - which frankly, you're killing (or have killed) off.

2. It sounds like she's opening up just fine. The problem is; she's not being very responsive and that's because you're trying to make her do all your work for you. She's not going to do that and thus, she puts on the brakes every time you ask her. She wants YOU to set the direction and to make things happen. Instead you keep dropping it back in her lap as though she has all the control.

3. I think you should start being flirtatious but with a direction. If you don't, it'll just be creepy and she'll bolt.

The one thing you've said here that is actually true is; "There's no point in guessing". Yes, exactly. Stop guessing and just nail her down (if it isn't too late). Don't set up a lunch date - that's what business people do. Set up a REAL date. If she turns you down, you'll have your answer and the guessing will be over.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
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http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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