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General Dating Questions/Guy too rough? Pain/pleasure in sex?


Hello Dr. Dennis W. Neder.

I had sex with this guy. We're both in our late 20s. I don't know what to think. So I'm asking your opinion.

First he refused to go down on me and kiss my vagina, but he expected me to suck his dick, which i did, but i didnt mind because i told him i didn't want to do anal and he was fine with that. Then he refused to do any foreplay such as kissing me, touching me etc. He just immediately shoved his dick in me hard, and didn't even use any lube. It was excruciating. I've never had that problem before with other men, I've never used lube but I was fine, but this guy was really wide and long so it hurt. I begged him to use lube so he used Vaseline on me as lubricant.

Also he refused to use condoms because his dick is so big and wide it would break. I asked him to use a condom because I'm not on birth control and he flat out refused. He said he doesn't like how condoms feel on him and they would break.

he said "just let me push it in" and "just let me cum in you, so why don't you go on birth control"

I let him cum on me and then he said "can i cum inside your mouth and all over your face?" and i said maybe next time...if you eat my pussy yes.

Dennis, is Vaseline safe to use inside my vagina? yuck it feels like it's still in there, ewww and my stomach's all sore and bloated feeling ... uhh.

Also my ass really hurts, and it was difficult for me to poop for a day or two, is this normal after sex with a really big dick? I felt like he ripped my anus but he didn't but it just felt weird.

When we were having sex he stuck in my butt a few times by mistake in the dark but that's not what hurt. It was when he was having sex with me, he was too rough and it hurt my vaginal/anal partition. I kept screaming to go slower but he said I would enjoy it.

Now I understand some of this is common if a girl's pussy is too tight and the guy is huge, but it takes some patience, lube, and getting used to and just going slowly but this guy wanted it all fast and in a rush.

Right after sex he just jumped up and put his clothes on immediately and dashed out, gave me a towel to clean up, and gave me a ride back to my house. I was a little hurt that he didn't want to cuddle but he did kiss me for a long time in the car before saying good night.

I don't know what to think after the experience.

I don't know. what do you think, is this guy just a fan of rough sex? do you think this guy just doesn't know what he is doing with a woman, just simply doesn't care about girl's feelings at all?

How far advanced do you feel this man is sexually, does he not know how to please a woman yet? Or does he only care about pleasing himself?

I am trying to figure out if he is a jerk, or just completely ignorant when it comes to sex.

Dr. Neder I wish I could fly you in, so you could teach him some lessons in sex!! Seriously.

I am puzzled as to what to think because I've not had a sexual experience like this. All the men I've slept with have been all different with each other, but this one just made me shake my head.

What are your thoughts on this experience?


You've written to me now a number of times - with the same questions but all with different stories. I don't know what to believe from you and I'm beginning to wonder if any of this is even real.

I don't do homework problems or hypotheticals. I'm going to answer these questions one last time with the same answers I've already given you. If you don't like the answers then feel free to go ask someone else but stop asking me over and over and over again by changing little things and thinking that I'm so stupid as to not realize who you are. It's insulting.

Sex is about more than just the physical act of intercourse. It's about connection in emotional, intellectual and even spiritual ways. You don't have that here.

Sex - even when you're a virgin - shouldn't hurt very much if at all. You shouldn't bleed profusely unless you've been physically damaged. That says as much about the skill of your lover as does the lack of connection or of you getting what you want. If your goal was to lose your virginity, mission accomplished. If your goal was to have sex, you're still a long way off because your experience lacked all the other important aspects.

If you're in pain you need to see a doctor right away. This has absolutely nothing to do with his size at all. You aren't (for the 20'th time or so!) "too tight". There is no such thing unless you are physically deformed - something only a doctor can tell you. That same hole is used to give birth to babies!

Nobody "accidentally" does anal. Nobody is predisposed to rough sex. Nobody who has any sort of skill or even consideration for anyone else let's them hurt physically or emotionally without their own consent to do so. The intentional infliction of physical or emotional harm on someone else without their consent is a mental illness and may even border on criminality.

There is no such thing as being "too big" for a condom. They are designed to stretch unbelievably large - far bigger than your head - without breaking. The only reason why a condom would break is that it's being used incorrectly - more ignorance. As well, if you're not on birth control and you have sex without some form of it, you're just asking to get pregnant or to contract a sexually-transmitted disease. Considering the lack of interest this guy has in your well-being, satisfaction or anything else related to sex, why would you think he doesn't WANT to make you pregnant or give you an STD?

Those are the same answers I've given you now many times. Don't ask for them again. Get your shit together and go see a doctor RIGHT NOW. Then, seek out knowledge on how to be a great lover - and how to find and attract others who are great lovers. There is nothing "great" about anything in this story. If you think you don't deserve anything better, I'm here to tell you just how wrong you are.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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