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General Dating Questions/questions about flirty gay men

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Hi! I grew up in a very small town and was fairly sheltered growing up. I have been around gay men a little bit, but not a whole lot, and I know they can be pretty flirty with both sexes. In the past I have been interested in a couple of men, but did not know they were gay at the time! Obviously I cannot always "tell" if a guy is gay or not. What I am wondering is: Are gay men ever sexually attracted to women or not? Because there is a man in my office who flirts with me, but I don't know if he is gay, but some coworkers suspect that he is. I've also noticed him checking me out a few times, both when I caught him looking and when he thought I did not see him looking. Are some gay men bisexual?  I wish there was some "magic" way I could find out if he is gay or not. I do find him attractive, but haven't really flirted back with him, because of this mystery. Of not knowing if he is. I'm not sure if you can help me with this or not, but you give excellent advice and thought I would ask you.

Answer
Hello Hallie!

Broken gay-dar, huh? That's not uncommon.

Human sexuality is a very complicated thing. It's impossible to create a rule or guideline that fits everyone every single time. It's far easier to think of people's sexuality on a sliding scale from 0 to 100:

<-- Straight          Gay -->
0--10--20--30--40--50--60--70--80--90--100

There are very few people who are "0's" or "100's" and in fact, almost everyone fits somewhere in between. Between men and women, there are about 12% of the population who self-identify as sexually attracted to people of their same gender. There are additional complications to all of this as well. Consider that there is huge stigma by many people on being gay. Friends and family often won't accept someone who comes out as gay for instance. There are even laws in other countries where being gay is punishable by death.

Thus, I think you see my point. Yes, it's entirely possible for someone who views themselves as gay to have interest in and even form a relationship with someone who is straight. In fact, it happens all the time.

However, that's not exactly the best option for most. Many of these people (men AND women) actually get into relationships and sometimes even marry someone of the opposite sex because they feel they should. Many even go through their entire lives living as heterosexuals outwardly yet craving someone of their own gender. Can you imagine how unfulfilling that would be to these people? It's a very sad way to have to live for most.

Even worse, you can't love someone enough to make them change their sexual identity. If someone identifies themselves as gay and you're not of their same gender, you aren't going to change that and in fact, you shouldn't try - even if it would make you happy to be with them. It would likely wind up being miserable for that person! Would you want that to happen to someone you cared about? Of course not.

Can you tell if someone is gay? Actually, it's pretty difficult to tell! There are people who seem completely straight but who are very gay (toward 100 on the scale)! Likewise, there are people who act stereotypically gay who are entirely straight!

Here's one of the best ways I know to tell if a man is gay - you check his lips. If there's another man's penis there, he actually might be gay!

Joking aside, you can't really know for sure, but that's actually an advantage. What's wrong with getting close to someone and getting to know them? That's a little thing we call "dating". If a guy won't date you it doesn't mean that he's gay, but what do you care anyway? You're only looking for the guys who WILL date you and that have some preference for your gender - girls.

Please don't try to figure out who is and who is not gay. You're going to fail - not because you're not good enough, but because it's impossible to do. Further, don't try to make someone who you discover (with absolute confidence) is gay, try to be straight.

Instead, find the guys (or girls!) who like girls and focus your energy on them.

Thus, if they flirt with you and you flirt back, work on moving things forward and see where it goes. If it turns into something, yay for you!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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