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General Dating Questions/Asking men out and then sucking in bed?


Hello Dr. Dennis,

I am a woman who has no problem asking men out on dates, asking them for a phone number, texting/calling them, setting up dates, setting up place/time/location/venue etc. I only ask men out who show me interest obviously.

But I notice the bedroom... they are not really that interested in having sex with me. They just go through the motions and lay there like cold fish.

However, men who ask me out initially, are dying to rip my clothes off and can't keep their hands off me.

For whatever reason, men do not ask me out. Men just don't approach me, I have no idea why. I am always chatting guys up and letting them know I'm interested and available but they don't ask me out. So I have to ask men out for the most part otherwise I just stay single for years. When I do ask them out they respond with an enthusiastic yes so I think everything is fine but then in the bedroom they have no interest in sex, don't seem attracted to me, and they stop calling me.

This is also partly the reason that men ask women out, and women generally do not make the first move. Not just for traditional reasons, but also because women know the man has to get his penis hard for the woman every night, and it won't happen unless he's hot for her in the first place.

What to do about this? Men do not ask me out. I don't know but that's just how it is for some girls. Most of my married woman friends asked their husbands out. So I think I will have to do all the work, but every single time, they don't have any interest in seeing me naked (yes I am slim, trim, attractive woman clean shaven so it's not that)

Oh yeah I'm 35 but look 22 because I work out all the time eat healthy no junk food take care of my skin nails no pimples always put on sunblock moisturizer cream etc and dye my hair lol. I think I look 35 but people think I'm 25 or something.

Any advice??

Hello Kim!

When I get this sort of question (and frankly, I get it far more often than you think!) it's usually a mixture of mistakes being made. These range from not flirting well or expressing interest properly (usually FAR too subtle on the woman's part) to going after the wrong guys to being way too coy or subtle on a date, etc.

The fact is; dating is very complicated - made even more so by the overall lack of education I see out there among both men and women.

I'm very proud of you for being willing and able to approach men. The fact is, very few women will do that - or even can. I think that's a huge mistake by itself because then you're stuck waiting for guys rather than deciding what you want.

However, once you approach someone there's still more work to do. You may not even realize it but you're probably acting differently with the guys you ask out and the ones who ask you out. I try to explain to my female students that if you're approaching you have to keep the momentum going - just like a guy would have to. You can't drop the ball and just assume that a guy knows to pick it up. Some will, but the vast majority won't.

In general (and again, this doesn't apply to EVERY woman) you girls are just far too subtle about things. When you're not you often send mixed messages that men simply can't interpret. There's one thing I can absolutely assure you: a guy who is confused (even in smalls ways) about your interest or intention will NOT risk trying to move things forward with you. All guys have been through the girls who flirt like crazy for their own attention-needs only to then pull back and act like they were just being "friendly".

Without knowing specifics about your situation that's about as direct as I can be to help you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Doctor of Philosophy

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