General Dating Questions/Relationship Confusion & What is the best way to move on?
QUESTION: Hi Becky,
I have been dealing with this problem for a while and it's hard for me to talk about it because I never go to my friends and family for relationship-type of help, because I am sure they won't have a good understanding for my problem.
So, I am 20 years old and the person who I've dated is 23 years old. We have been best friends for nearly 7 years and quite recently last year we started dating. 6 months into the relationship, I told him that it's in our best interest to stop dating since we both got really busy that year. He agreed because he was finishing up college and working two jobs while I was busy with college and work as well.
He was the one who told me that he only wants to put our relationship on hold for now, and with that, I agreed with him. He apologized several times to me ahead of time that he can't call me or reply to my texts as fast or frequent as he used to. (We used to constantly communicate with each other, and since he moved 4 hours away years ago, it makes it harder to see one another with our busy schedule).
I told him I understand, and that it's okay. He indicated to me that he will be more free when his semester ends and he only has to work, which is around June something.
I feel really bad for assuming, but for several months up until now, he has not made any attempt to contact me. He frequently goes on social networking sites, but since he has been busy, I never see him on or anything. The last time he has been signed onto anything, was all months ago.
It makes me feel a little upset, thinking that he might have just dropped me altogether. It's hard for me considering we have been best friends for years. I am not sure what to think, I have last messaged him months ago, but he was too busy to reply, so I tried couple weeks ago, but still no reply.
I am assuming that our friendship has ended, but I don't know how to move on. It's such a strange thing that he would do something like this, because it doesn't make any sense. If it were to be over in any way, I am sure we would talk about it because we always resolve any problems together. It's upsetting because I don't know what is going on, since we haven't talked since February. But I do know he sometimes doesn't know what to say, and would be silent altogether.
Bad enough as it is to go on these assumptions, what do you think is the best way to deal with this problem?
Sorry if this is a really absurd problem, but I am not sure on what to think and how to deal with this.
I've spent the longest time worrying about him, and more than enough times feeling hurt that he could have just dropped me that abruptly.
ANSWER: Hi there,
well firstly this is not a weird or absurd problem at all - I would also be thinking the same thoughts as you if I were to be in your situation; you're not alone. It seems to me that maybe this gentleman did not require more than what you are requiring. What I mean by that is, you two spoke briefly (or I'm not sure if it was brief or not) about how you two didn't think it was in both of your best interests to continue dating, since you two were both busy with school and working. For him, that may have been enough of a reason to just stop talking all together. It seems to me that you two spoke about everything as much as you possibly could - unfortunately it doesn't seem to me that there is more to talk about regarding your situation. What you could be feeling is rejection; since maybe you didn't realize that if you two stopped dating that he would also stop speaking to you all together. Sadly enough men and women deal with break ups very differently. Where a woman needs some emotional support a man does not require that kind of outlet in order to take his mind off of things; he just simply is not built that way.
So how do you deal with it from here? My BEST advice is to just slowly start walking towards the thought of you two are not going to speak and if that is the case, then it is o.k. And you will get through the breakup pain and eventually you will be able to think more clearly, and feel a lot more emotionally stable. With that though, comes time and healing and work on your part. Some things that could be helpful are to surround yourself with your family and friends and even though they may not understand this situation clearly, you can let them in a tiny bit to help them understand you better and where you're coming from. This means leaning on your parents in this time since they are your real support and safety net. Everything will calm down sooner than later and you will experience content and peace eventually, just stay patient and enjoy the ride as much as you can.
Hope this helps, write anytime,
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi again, Becky,
I want to thank you for your advice again, it really helped me look at it from a different angle. To update my current problem, our mutual friend messaged me today and asked me if I wanted to go hang out with him and my ex. Not quite surprised, I realized my ex wasn't busy anymore, so I shamelessly went onto my social networking sites, and noticed that he completely deleted me off of his friends list (on all of them).
Now, rather than being sad and worried like I was since I last messaged you, I got really upset. I don't understand why he would apologize to me so many times that he won't be able to talk to me until he is done with his semester. He told me several times he only wants to hold our relationship off "for now". Yet, he now completely just dropped me. Our mutual friend told me that when he texted him, my ex replied. -But he still hasn't even replied to my messaged from a while ago...or even try to talk to me and tell me he doesn't want to be friends anymore. With this happening, I would expect from a sour break up, but we didn't end on bad terms at all. If he was going to do this, why didn't he just tell me before ahead of time? That he doesn't want to be friends or something. Instead, he leaned on meaningless lies and then just decides to drop me out of his life that way.
I understand what you said earlier about how our brief break up talk was enough for him. But now that I realized he completely dropped me from his life with no explanation, really hurts. I'm more hurt of losing my best friend. In this case, what do you think is the best way to cope? My friends try helping, but it's hard to listen when they all try to make a joke out of it.
Well it's definitely not a joke and I totally feel from where you're coming from. My advice in the friendship department is seek those who are willing and capable of hearing you out.
I can reassure you because I was also in a relationship before, it was quite serious and it lasted about 2 years. When we broke up, at first he was like your ex-boyfriend; empty promises of rekindling our relationship later in the future, not wanting to stop speaking all together abruptly and so forth. However, eventually when push came to shove, I saw that the proof was in the pudding - he had COMPLETELY ignored me and betrayed me deeply; and that is where heart break lies. When the person you thought you could trust, loved and leaned on endlessly turns around and pretends like they've never even met you before. I feel for you in this situation but you should know that there is NO real way to cope with it. BUT, do not feel helpless or hopeless because it is ONLY (and I underline ONLY) with time that really helps a person who has gone through a "sour" break up, to heal from this. Continue licking your wounds and anytime he thinks he can charge back into your life, remember this moment because you will soon forget when you start to feel better.
Some external ways to distract yourself is keeping busy. Go work out, hang with friends, work on your school life and make some money on the side at a cool job. But note that dating shortly after this is just a rebound and a cheap, quick and easy fix but not durable or long lasting. You mustn't confuse stable healing with self-gratifying relationships. You can do this! Write anytime.