General Dating Questions/is he over me?

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QUESTION: Hello,
about a year ago, a male coworker & I started having lunch. He asked me out several times & I told him we should just be friends and see what happened.
eventually, I realized that I was really falling for him and we began dating casually. He lives with his parents and has a lot of family obligations so I always sort of came after his family. I also developed a severe health problem at the beginning of the relationship & struggle with getting a diagnosis and being very tired all the time.
We've had our ups and downs but my health is finally back on track. He just found a new job so we no longer work together and he told me that now he needs space and doesn't think we want the same things. I believe this is mainly due to us not spending a lot of time together when I wasn't well. He continues to text me now and again, but he used to call & text me several times a day.
I was trying to get over him, but he came into work to wrap some things up the other day. he stopped to see me and now all the feelings have come back.
Should I try to convince him to give me another chance or should I try to move on? I really love him but have not told him that.
I'm destroyed by the thought of never seeing him again.

Thank you for any advice,
Disa"

ANSWER: Hello Disa!

Actually, I think the reasoning is just opposite of what you think. I think the problem was that you spent too long becoming a couple.

Should you try to convince him to give you another chance? The answer is: it depends.

What are you going for here? You've spent way, way too long putting things together. Everything was so safe and frankly, boring, that if you want to rebuild that I just don't see it.

Consider this: what is going to change now? What do you have to offer that he hasn't seen already? I'm not trying to discourage you at all, but I think you need to answer those questions - he's certainly going to want to know.

If this is only about you getting regular texts I'll bet you could find someone else who would do that for you right now. If it's about something more you're going to have to explain to him what that is. He obviously doesn't see it now or he'd be all over you trying to get it.

Here's something to consider for the future: the best relationships tend to move on their own. They don't linger over excruciatingly long periods (as "friends") and then just come into their own. This is how passion dies, not how it is built.

I'm telling you to jump into every relationship but you need to be a little smarter about what you really want, finding it and making it happen.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks so much for the answer. I guess I just blame my health issues for everything moving so slowly. Now that I'm finally recovering, he's run out of patience.
I just don't know how to move on from someone who did support me through that & who brings me so much happiness?

Answer
Hello again Disa!

You're very welcome.

You have to accept that your life isn't one long scene but built into many parts - many of them contradicting others. Things, situations and people change. Interest rates fluctuate. Hemlines go up and down. Sometimes it's hot outside and sometimes it's cold.

Once you accept that the period of your life when you were getting healthy isn't the period of your life now you can move on working on the next chapter.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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