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General Dating Questions/A question for


Dear Dr. Neder,

Hello! My name is Kayla Goldstein and I'm a writer for Her Campus, the largest online community for college women. I'm currently working on an article about what to do if you hate your girlfriend's friends. It's supposed to be geared towards lesbians since it's for the new LGBTQ+ section of the website, but the rules are pretty much the same as if a guy hated his girlfriend's friends. Since you are an expert in the field of dating, I feel your opinion on the topic would give my article a lot more credibility. If you have any insight on the topic, I would really appreciate to hear it.

Thank you for your time!
-Kayla Goldstein

Hello Kayla!

I've worked with many in the LGBTQ+_$*#!49r~ (...) community and feel very equipped to answer this for you.

Actually, I disagree with you. The LGBTQ+ community is VERY different from the hetero community in a number of fundamental ways. Lesbians in particular have a sense of the relative smallness of their communities and as such, work harder than other such communities to hold on to "members". For example, there's a very active, conscious effort to keep women as part of the group even when the eventual tensions come about. That's something you don't see in the hetero or even the gay community.

That adds a great deal to the answer!

In my experience, lesbians are much more likely to deal with the drama and problems with friends, family and co-workers (as long as they're also lesbians) very differently. Frankly, they'll put up with a bunch more out of a sense of keeping the community itself together.

That changes however when these individuals are male, bisexual or heterosexual. It's even more prevalent when the others are not completely accepting of their friend's homosexuality. In these cases there is a very active attempt by both the lover and the couple's homosexual friends to isolate the person from those outsiders.

This is done however in some very subtle ways; from trying to dominate time (keeping her away from them in the process) to building fear of being shunned by the group to small, seemingly unrelated gestures to outright criticism and sometimes even cattiness.

Much of this comes from insecurity about a person's own connection to the community. For instance, if a woman strongly and openly identifies as a lesbian and part of the larger, organized community, she tends to be much more overt about closing it off. You don't find much acceptance of outsiders in her world.

That's not to say that lesbians shun non-lesbians, but they are very protective of the community itself. I've even talked to many who outright reject women who identify as bisexual! The (often unspoken) fear is that it introduces the possibility of even more competition in a relatively small market.

Kayla, if you have specific questions, I'd be happy to give you my perspective on them.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Doctor of Philosophy

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