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QUESTION: Hello Dennis. I would like to thank you for reading and considering my question. Here's my issue, I have been seeing this wonderful person for about 1 month. We have known each other for about 3 months and became friends, and then eventually started dating. I've noticed that we don't spend a whole lot of time with each other. I would like to see her more often. However, she has informed me that she is terrible with her priority management and suffers anxiety issues. She tells me that she really likes me and that I need to be patient with her. Its hard to be patient when I want to see her more often. Should I just back off for a bit and allow her to initiate the effort to see me? I am afraid that if I do, then we will eventually drift apart, however, I also don't want to be seen as needy or clingy. Thanks again for any advice.

Jared C.

ANSWER: Hello Jared!

You haven't told me how often you see each other now or what your visits are like. The problem here is that I can't tell if she's blowing you off (trying to increase the distance) or has legitimate (?) issues.

To this latter point; if she's in the dating pool at all it's her responsibility to deal with emotional issues she may have. Further, it is NOT your job to deal with or fix any of this!

You're worried about seeming too clingy but in fact, you have rights here too - not just responsibilities. If things are progressing; that is, not being held back by her (real or perceived) anxiety issues (whatever in the hell that means) then giving her some room isn't going to hurt anything. On the other hand if she's using this as an excuse to prevent getting close she owes you an explanation and a little honesty - at the very least.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dennis, thank you for your reply. We see each other maybe 3-4 times a week. In the beginning, we just hung out and talked about everything and nothing. We have had discussions about how we are both looking for a long term relationship. For the past 2 weeks, we have grown closer. Last week we became intimate and had sex twice. I feel though, that she is starting to distance herself from me. When we text each other, she usually texts back within minutes, but for the past couple days, it has taken her sometimes hours to text me back. I have been the only relationship in two years she has had. She hasn't had sex in two years as well. She asked me to be patient with her, and I am not sure if I am a priority in her life right now. Although, in the past few weeks, she said she wants to be my girlfriend. But I think she is scared of letting me in her life. Today, I plan on seeing her and telling her that I want to be more involved in her life, that I want to become a priority and not someone whom she talks to and hangs out with on occasion.

To be clear Dennis, she told me she was scared to be in a relationship (hence 2 years being single), but once she started to talk to me about 3 months ago, she has developed a crush, and wanted to be my girlfriend. I don't read minds, but what she verbally tells me is she wants to be with me, but sometimes I get different cues from her saying otherwise, like how it feels like she is distancing herself.

Dennis, I think I fell in love with her, and I don't know how to handle this. Every fiber of my being wants to be in her life. I love her mind, her personality and her body, and I want something more from her. I am 34, and I can say with all honesty, that I eventually want to marry her and maybe have kids with her, and its such a difficult thing to feel, because all my life I told myself I didn't ever want kids. Maybe I am pushing her too fast too soon? I don't know.

Thanks again Dennis.

Jared C.

Answer
Hello again Jared!

Seeing each other 3-4 times a week isn't "hanging out occasionally" at all. I think I'm starting to see the problem here.

What's happening (and what she thinks she's seeing) is you trying to own and dominate her time. You've only been together for a short period. Trying to push that into more is one of the surest, quickest ways I know to kill everything off.

Think about this for a moment: who do you think she wants to be with? Someone who seems insecure and is trying to watch over her every second of every day or the guy who is confident, knows his own value and has a real life of his own; a guy who is doing things, going places and is busy but opens up his life to make time for what's important - like her?

Seeing each other 3-4 times a week is plenty *IF* you have a life and are doing things with it. If you are engaged in becoming more; have hobbies and want something better you need time to make all that happen. Right now, it is you who are chasing her - not the other way around.

Trust me on this: she's not scared to be in a relationship. She's scared to be in a relationship with YOU. She's afraid you're going to be that heavy, oppressive drag on her and her time. She's afraid of not having any time for herself (frankly, as you should be) and that is why it seems like she's distancing herself from you. She sees that you have nothing else going on in your life except trying to dominate her time!

You think you love her? Come on here Jared - really? You don't really even know this girl! You've only spent a very short time with her and during that time have only seen her best. It's that obsessive aspect she's trying to get away from and to be honest, I don't blame her. You're talking marriage and kids already and based on what? Based solely and exclusively on only what YOU want and what YOU feel.

I think you're pushing her; but more to the point, yourself, way too fast. You need to take about a dozen steps back - way back - and see this for what it really is. Instead, you've created a fantasy you're trying to force to happen. The reality of your situation is far different from someone who is in love or that should be married.

Those are things you build over time. You're very focused on these things and have made them real in your own head - not in real life. I'm not saying that they couldn't happen; they can, but not with the present environment.

Jared, let go a little. When you're with her spend real quality time but don't be trying to fill up all of the rest of the time with her by texting, emailing, calling and trying to convince her to be with you. It's simply not healthy.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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