General Dating Questions/Guy likes my g/f
QUESTION: Hello Azure, so my girlfriend is friends with this ex coworker. She claims that they are "just friends" and that I have nothing to worry about. About a month ago, we all ( myself, my g/f, the now-ex coworker, and a few other people) went out and it was pretty dang obvious he was flirting with her. Later I pointed this out and she started to realize that this was true.
Fast forward to the present; she remains friends with him and next week they are going to hangout and have lunch. I kind of got a little hesitant and distant after she told me this (he texted her last night at midnight setting plans up to when and where to hangout). She claims that they are just going to hangout as friends and that I should trust her. I do trust her, but I still do not feel comfortable with her hanging out with the guy that has a crush her, but I also don't want to come across as jealous or controlling.
Should I be OK with them hanging out? What is the prudent way for me to handle this?
Best regards, Jared C.
ANSWER: interesting...first, him texting her at midnite, if you were with her, is wrong; if you try to "forbid" the friendship, you'll come across as untrusting and controlling, and she'll resent you for it; but it's reasonable to ask her to keep a tight reign as to what's acceptable and what's not as far as his behavior goes, and for her to curtail time spent with him if he crosses the line of friendship into subtle attempts to gain her favor..
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QUESTION: Azure,thank you for the fast reply. As for him texting her at midnight, yes, I was with her when she received the text msgs. They texted back and forth about 6 times. I voiced my concerns to her about them hanging out together, but she says there is nothing to worry about. I just can't help but wonder, would it not be inappropriate for me to hangout with a another girl whom has a crush on me? I think and know it would, therefore I would not put myself in that position. For me, it would not be fair to my g/f and in fact be downright disrespectful. I guess she doesn't see it that way.
Another thing that was brought up, was that when one of our friends was talking to the ex-coworker about his flirting the night we all went out, he acknowledged what he was doing and said that he didn't care that he was flirting with her in front of me. So it really is no big secret how he feels about her. And that's why I feel it is inappropriate for them to have lunch together.
Maybe I should offer to tag along on this lunch hangout of thiers? I'm just astounded that she is completely either blind to his actions or just doesn't seem to care.
Thanks again Azure. Best regards, Jared C.
ANSWER: i'm sorry, but if you're with her on a date, that phone should be OFF, unless she's 16..for her to text back and forth with another guy when with you, UNACCEPTABLE, and u should tell her; there shouldn't be a problem with u hangin out with female friends, but no "tag along", that's weak/insecure; again, it's up to HER to find the flirting unacceptable and tell him, or curtail communication..
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QUESTION: Azure, thank you again for the speedy reply.
She is 27 and I am 34. She never turns off her phone while we are together. She was also single for 2 years due to health issues, so she claims that she doesn't understand these boundaries of which I think need to be in-place. I know she will not take well to me asking her to stop texting him or to turn off her phone while we are together. I am disappointed in her that she didn't cancel her lunch date with him after it has been made clear his intentions with her. Her hanging out with other guys is fine, but when I find that these guys have an interest in her, I tend to get nervous about them spending time together. Should I just tell her to not go to lunch with him? I feel, that because he has a crush on her, and doesn't respect the fact we are together, that it is not unreasonable for me to ask her to cancel the lunch. I cannot and will not force her to cancel, but can voice my concerns to her about them hanging out. If she continues on with the plans with him, should I take this as a red flag for our future together?
Azure, thank you again for your valuable time.
Sincerely, Jared C.
i'm amazed you're ok with the phone thing..to me that's more offensive than the lunch; u can tell her that u prefer her not hanging out with him like that, but at some point, with the phone thing, the guy, you will have to determine if these types of disrespect are things you will accept, or are dealbreakers...