General Dating Questions/sexual addiction

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Question
I know this guy who is 38 and has slept with hundreds of women. I was one of them, unfortunately. He is a narcissist, smooth talking guy who charms women to get them into bed a few times and then moves on to the next woman when he gets tired of the current one. I have talked to an ex-girlfriend/live-in of his a couple of times. She informed me that he cheated on her and used her both sexually and financially. He was, and may still be, on a "dating" site that is notorious and well-known for men wanting sex only. I went to high school with this guy and he was a nice guy in high school and not a player. If he was a player, it wasn't known or well-known. He has a major alcohol problem and has a lot of trouble keeping jobs. I have a few questions about men like this: Are they even attracted to a lot of these women?  Is attractiveness always required for these people to have sex with someone?? Or are they addicted to sex and therefore, there is not really a valid reason for wanting them other than for sex?  I do think sex addiction does exist in many men. It seems like some, or a lot of them, will have sex with ANY woman that will consent. I previously have thought there had to be some attraction required to approach a woman for sex, but I don't really think so now.  I'm just wondering what your theories and opinions on these types of guys are?  I have a difficult time understanding also: How can these guys be truly happy going through their ENTIRE adult lives constantly finding, and then dumping after a very short period, hundreds or thousands of women?  I can see how this can be exciting and thrilling for a while, but this guy is nearing 40 and still playing women.  And so many of them fall for it!!  So I would like to know your theories on the sexual addiction and the attractiveness question. Are these cads really happy doing this for years on end?  I just found out, too, that he propositioned another classmate of ours. I am really hoping she doesn't fall for his shit. She has a boyfriend, but I have gotten a vibe from her that it isn't the best relationship. Thank you for your time and honesty!

Answer
Hello Holly!

When you're done reading my answer, I suggest you go read a couple of my articles that will help to flesh much of this out:

The Insider's Guide to the Player:
http://www.beingaman.com/ArticleViewer.aspx?id=678

The Insider's Guide to the Game:
http://www.beingaman.com/ArticleViewer.aspx?id=677

Let me get to your questions:

1) Yes, they are attracted to these women. What you're asking however doesn't make sense. You're asking me if they are attracted to these women FOR RELATIONSHIPS. The answer is: they don't know. No man knows if he could or would be in a relationship with any woman until AFTER he's slept with her. That's the way we're wired.

2) Yes, attractiveness is required but there are different types of attractiveness. While women are far more likely to look passed the surface attractiveness, it's not at all that us guys can't see other values beyond looks.

3) Sexual "addiction" is bullshit; at least to the degree the media makes it out. When there's true sexual addiction it's really something else manifesting itself through sex. That said however, you're making some huge assumptions here that very likely aren't true even in the least.

You're extending your own values and needs on other people (guys) and trying to understand them in the same way you understand yourself. You can't do that. Men and women have VERY different motivations (again, despite what the media would have you believe - that women are "just like" men ... no, you are not). You can't use your own motivations, yardsticks, beliefs, desires, wants, goals, etc., to try to interpret why any guy would do what he does. Instead, you have to learn how WE think, speak and act in order to understand what's going on and then to see it through our eyes.

Honestly, I don't think this guy is "playing women" at all. I DO understand that's how you interpret it however.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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