General Dating Questions/Getting back together


QUESTION: Hello Azure,
I was seeing a man for three months and we split up three weeks ago. A few days ago I called him and asked him to tell me what he felt had been the biggest problems in our relationship. I listened to what he said without arguing or defending myself and asked clarifying questions. He surprised me when he said we was, "not taking it seriously and didn't have any†alterior motives." I did not realize how seriously I was taking it until we broke up. Based on other things he said in the conversation he obviously cares about me.

A large part of me is entertaining the hope that we'll get back together because I like him more than any guy I've met in a long time. However, his statement that he was 'not taking it seriously' kinda sunk my hopes. This is partly my fault because early on I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship, which was not entirely true. I was scared to admit how much I liked him and wanted to try to control my anxiety about that by keeping him at a distance. Not very effective, I know. He was also coming on a little too strong.

I ended up falling for him and the casual dating arrangement was not working for me. When I brought it up he didnít make an effort to find middle ground with me so we split up. I am not surprised because it had become boring and I was depressed about other personal issues such that I was hardly giving him any attention even we we were together. I wanted a change, not such a drastic one though.

Anyway, from your perspective is it possible to rekindle a relationship like this on a new footing? Or, given that we dated for three months and he only wanted to see me once or twice a week should I just assume he is not very into me? I think I will talk to him about this in some form regardless of which option seems more appropriate. My question is: how do I inquire into his interest in having a more serious relationship without appearing to lack self-respect? If he is not contacting me and trying to get together should I assume he is not inspired to do so and is therefore not interested? Or is it more nuanced than that? Obviously, I don't want to spring it on him and freak him out. Slow and gradual rebuilding seems best. How exactly do I do that, though?

ANSWER: your first answer was the correct one; nothing here represents more than a passing interest on his part; there's no "rekindling" as he never considered this a real relationship; you were a mildly interesting casual arrangement, no more, no less; also, no point in initiating any dialog about it--you'll only get insincere bs which won't change the bottom line, which is, if he were interested, he'd be asking you out...this wasn't meant to be more than it was--move on, and hopefully find someone who really wants you...

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QUESTION: I never considered it a real relationship either, I knew I wasn't his girlfriend. He asked me one time and I didn't give him an answer. The fact that I know he was into me in the beginning and I turned down his efforts is what makes me think maybe it could change. When we talked he gave me sincere answers to my questions about the problems that occurred while we were seeing each other. I told him I had started dating, so he may have taken that to mean I'd moved on, though I haven't. He hinted at the future saying, "We'll see." Was he saying that just to be nice? You think even if I show that I will address those issues and come at it from a fresh start it's still a no-go?

you said the casual arrangement "wasn't working for you"...i doubt he has more to offer; if you choose, you can call and essentially attempt to salvage something, but only if your expectations are close to zero, as 98% of the time, if a guy is interested, he will pursue you, whether you're dating or not..

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expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks


Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.

BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.

Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and announces CT matchmaking service..for more, go to

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