General Dating Questions/Would a man carry something on for ten months just for sex?
Hi Dt Neder;
I've written to you before, and the last time you didn't help me because I hadn't followed your previous advice. You advised a no contact rule. I have now followed that. I'm more or less over the issue. I would like some perspective from a male opinion? Because as a female I find it hard to know what men are thinking.
I'm 30 and an RN. I'm told I'm very attractive, I'm curvy and I have a very large bust. I get a ton of attention. I usually date up to ten guys at a time. I date for different reasons; I like to be driven in nice cars and eat at nice restaurants. The men I date are mostly reasonably wealthy professionals. But all I am seeking is love, and mutual attraction. I never find it.
In Jan 2015 I met a 6ft 4 doctor whom I did fall in love with. We had a connection. We spoke and texted every day. I slept with him on the first date and the sex was amazing. Always very affectionate. He proceeded over the next few months to tell me he couldn't be in a relationship with me. First it was because he didn't want to get hurt, then it was because he might be moving back to Scotland, eventually he said it was because I wasn't blonde and blue eyed; that he found my breasts embarrassing, that I wore too much make up. Personal kind of insults. He was always very aloof. In June he said he wanted to stop sleeping with me and be friends. However he continued to message me and the last time I saw him was in August. We got so drunk I didn't leave his apartment for four days. He got so drunk he handed me his phone and I discovered he'd started dating a girl, decided he didn't like her, and then started sleeping with me again.
It killed it for me and I didn't see him again. I blocked him for a month. However he still messages me and never entirely leaves me alone. This confuses me. He knows I am in love with him and he always asks if I still love him and seems happy when I say I am. I started dating a surgical trainee and he blocked me so I dumped the guy and he unblocked me. I then started dating a married senior doctor...purely because he knows my guy and is his boss....he said he would give me information. I then realised how fucked up that was and that I am obsessed. So despite the guy asking me several times to see him since August I have said no.
So my question is this. Would a man continue to stay in contact with a woman purely for sex if he has no feelings for her? And he would he get jealous if he had no feelings for her?
I would like clarification as I'm unsure what the motive is. If it's just sex then I'm done. But this man is very odd. He is magnificent; brilliant, once of the most intelligent people I have met. He's political, passionate, deep and appreciates the arts which is an appreciation we share that bonds us. He's eloquent and erudite but also reserved and antisocial. He's tall and handsome but shy. He doesn't communicate well and avoids people. He has many borderline autistic traits which weirdly is why I love him. I'm very social, outgoing and friendly. I am drawn to his somber stoicism. He also has said several times that he will never let anyone in because that is how you get hurt; and if he let me in I would influence him and he won't allow that.
I don't know if he's using me or is just mental. If he's mental I'd pursue it cos he's mental in an adorable way.
What is your opinion on this?
Let's get these points out of the way:
1) If you ask me for help and the ignore my advice (especially more than once) don't come back to me for "progressives". I charge for that service and you can feel free to order that time from my website.
2) I'm sure you are attractive to someone. You have to be VERY careful here however using that as a basis for anything. The reality is; people (men and women) are going to tell you this constantly because they know it's what you want to hear. By itself, it has absolutely no value to you and in fact, can do a great deal of harm to you for your future relationships.
I honestly see this constantly with women, especially with online dating. Women get bombarded almost daily with "Oh baby! You're so hot!" from guys who only want to get your attention. The "compliment" is absolutely meaningless. However, many women stand on it as though it's an indication of their street value. It's not.
Worse, these women then discount any guy (even really great ones!) thinking that they deserve only rich, handsome movie stars! The sad reality is that these women wind up jaded and alone.
You are likely beautiful to someone and I think everyone (men and women) need to maximize their looks to the best of their abilities because their partners deserve that sort of self-respect. Using it as any other indication however is a total and complete waste of your time. It's absolutely meaningless.
So, to your question: would a man stay in touch purely for sex: yes, absolutely. Let me turn this around: would a woman stay in touch with a guy purely for attention, gifts and compliments? Of course! It's the exact same thing for men.
I can't say if he's mental or not however. Nor can I confirm he's autistic or what his real feelings for you are. All I can say (and this is with some reservations) is that he likes having sex with you but doesn't seem interested in much more.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”