General Dating Questions/Before Marriage

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QUESTION: Hi Dennis,

How are you.

You've said you've been married and divorced before, no kids, but are still good friends with your ex-wife, which is admirable.

What are some things to be aware of before you marry someone?

In this day and age, with the high divorce rate, men and women have to be very careful. A pre-nup is almost a must.

Criminal Background checks, seeing if there is long term living compatibility, sexual compatibility, financial problems, these are all things that have to be checked out.

Do you have any other recommendations?

Also, today people just give up, 20 years ago married couples would work through cheating, affairs, bankruptcies, but now they don't even bother to try and just split.

thank you.

ANSWER: Hello!

Maybe the first thing is to determine if marriage is the right format for the relationship - maybe (likely?) not. Marriage isn't the goal; or at least, it shouldn't be. Marriage doesn't fit many western lifestyles today. Being in the right relationship with the right format is the most important thing.

Then, making sure your goals are compatible. That doesn't mean they're locked in stone however. I had a discussion with a friend recently about that. He eventually wants to have kids. Many of the women he meets however say they don't. Is that a deal breaker? Maybe, maybe not.

Consider that if you really love someone (and I mean really love someone - not only in the relationship for personal benefit) then you're going to consider your partner's needs. You may have the goal of being a parent or of being childless. That may change based on your partner's needs.

Most of these goals come down to lifestyle choices. How do you want to life? What compromises are you willing to make (or CAN make - many people are very selfish and can't see passed their own needs) and which ones are not negotiable?

Another point I make regularly: you absolutely must live with someone for at least a year (two is better) BEFORE you even talk about marriage. I can't stress this enough. You're not going to know if you can live with someone when you're contractually compelled to do so unless you do so for a time willingly.

I hope that helps!

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you.

The children thing is a deal breaker later on in life if they can't compromise over it. As is anything, and most people nowadays don't WANT to compromise.

Why do you feel marriage does not fit Western lifestyles?

In the Eastern world, still almost everyone is married. There are affairs and divorces, but it is way, way less than Western. People stay together no matter what, because they are determined to work out their issues and see it as a partnership and a commitment towards raising kids. Divorce is NOT an option in the exceptions of abuse, it's like not graduating from high school. It is also fairly difficult to have a sexual affair outside of marriage in those parts of the world, and men/women there just see marriage as the next necessary step in life, just like graduating high school. Of course there are many miserable marriages, but at least they try to make things better for the children instead of just splitting up and jumping partners and having more kids with another partner only to split again. They also keep expectations very low and know their partner will not be perfect, and work together to make things improve. Also, it seems like Eastern people think long and hard before marrying someone, they try to marry someone VERY similar to themselves to avoid conflicts later on in life. Living together is not permitted, but it seems like they pre-screen, do serious background checks, talk everything out seriously and practically before marriage about compatibility, living issues etc.

But in the Western world, we cannot do that. Why is this?

I'm not saying one is bad or good, just different set of problems.

Answer
Hello again!

Knowing the divorce rate, do you really need to ask why marriage doesn't necessarily fit?

Interestingly; it's because there are affairs and different expectations that marriage "works" (if that's your definition).

The reality is; more female millennials today are looking for marriage and fewer male millennials are. Marriage is a very, very bad deal for men for many, many reasons. (You can read any of my many articles on this subject for details.)

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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