General Dating Questions/question

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QUESTION: Hi Dennis!!

I am going to be asking the question that every single person, man or woman, since the beginning of time wants to know.

Why can't the person you are sexually attracted to and turns you on, always be the same person you are in love with?

If it is the same person and you're lucky, you get married and have a solid base of friendship as well, when the sex dies down at elderly ages, there is still a strong bond.

But many times, people have casual sex with no love, not even any attraction or arousal even! Just to go through the motions.

Why is this? It is frustrating.

I wish it could just be the same person, it would solve majority of all relationship problems. There would rarely be any divorces due to cheating and sexual incompatibility and falling out of love, blah blah. But we don't live in a perfect world.

Also occasionally you can be madly in love with someone, not have much sexual feeling or orgasms or arousal, but still be happy and complacent with them and not sexually frustrated. It's a "calm" and "accepting" kind of love. Usually towards older age, but can happen at younger ages too.

ANSWER: Hello!

Well, the simple, easy answer is because love and sex are different things.

It's interesting to note that love isn't an emotion as most people think of it. It's actually a drive. We are naturally driven to love and to be loved. Obviously, sex is also a drive.

Here's another interesting point: which one is more important, love or sex?

Most people want to believe that love is more important, but in fact nature wouldn't agree. We are sex-driven machines, not love-driven. We commit a very large amount of our energy and resources to reproducing whereas very little of ourselves are dedicated to love. That's why you don't have to be in love to have sex and why love and sex (as drives) are separate things. It's also why many people never experience real love even when they're in solid, long-term relationships.

You mentioned marriage so I want to add that dynamic here too. Is it love or sex that keeps marriages together? Again, most people get this wrong.

The fact is; if you take a solid, loving relationship that has a lousy sex life, it will rarely survive very long. But, take a lousy relationship that has a great sex component and it'll almost always stay together long-term.

While we want to be romantics and believe that "love conquers all" that just isn't the case. It's also why I put more emphasis a person working on and building their sexuality. If they are great lovers it makes it easier and far more likely to also find great love - but not the other way around.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you.

I wish it could be easier and just be the same person, but that's not how the world works.

Being a great lover and skilled in bed is a basic minimum. And great sex, passion, and love still won't keep a relationship/marriage together these days.

Answer
Hey!

Actually, I beg to differ on the point about being highly skilled in bed. It appears; both from my research and the research of many others from around the world, in fact that IS the key to keeping a relationship together.

So many women are clueless on the value of being good lovers. They discount it and even ignore it; figuring that they'll be "good enough" and that it just isn't that important. Then, when they come to me after their boyfriends or husbands cheat, we find out that is why the guys strayed - better sexual experience.

I see it over and over again.

Regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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