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General Dating Questions/How to get over someone


In theory this may not be complicated, but it feels complicated. In any case, I will try my best to summarize clearly.  To put it in one sentence:
I have feelings for a guy who lives far away, but after over a year of talking I'm coming to realize he's not going to date me. (We're still friends, so far.)  So that problem combined with anxiety about approaching 30yrs old, makes it probably not good to try and find someone else to date.

Even if it would be okay for me to date, I can't meet people.
I go out and do a lot of things, but I am finding that:
1.) There is a lack of anyone near my age in groups. (Even if they are my age, they are unavailable.)
2.) I am way too shy to interact with people.

So two questions:
Should I try and date? If so, how do I go about it?

Thank you!

ANSWER: Hello Llena!

First, I'm glad you've finally come to the right realization. Here's something (for all women) to keep in mind: when a guy wants to be with you, he'll move heaven and hell to do so. That's only one of many, many reasons why long-distance relationships (LDR's) NEVER work out.

But, there's another problem:

LDR's are KILLERS for any real relationships! The reason why is that they are entirely based on fantasy. Your mind spends all of its time "filling in" the gaps of not being with that person in real life. Whenever you actually are with that person, you only get their very best (and give yours) thus, neither of you have any real clue who the other is OTHER THAN all of that fantasy your mind feeds you.

Now, think about this: how could any real, living human being live up to that fairy tale your mind builds for you? Answer: it can't! Thus, you're very likely to go through life looking for that fairy tale only to wind up alone and jaded because no man could live up to your expectations.

This is also why you're having trouble getting over all of this.

Now, add to this the fact that; where you live, there are likely more single women than men (because it's true of most parts of the Western world) and that you lack the skills to meet people. (This last fact is probably brought about by the time you've wasted in that ridiculous LDR - instead of learning how to approach and attract great guys!)

Llena; I'm not trying to dissuade you from finding a great guy and building a great relationship. What I'm trying to do is to give you some perspective (with more to come!) At this point in your life, dating gets more difficult - not less. Thus, you need to start focusing on all those skills you need so that we're not having this same conversation again in 10 or 20 years.

The very first thing you need to do is to commit completely to giving up ANY notion of another LDR! They are pure fantasy and nothing else. If the guy isn't close enough to have a REAL relationship (no more than 1 hour away!) then, he's simply not the guy for you - ever.

Next, you need to put your own shyness into perspective. Stop and think about this: you claim to be "shy" but is that really some condition you have, or is it a choice?

Let me ask you: are you "shy" around your family? Are you "shy" around your friends? Are you "shy" when you're talking about something that you're an expert in - even if you don't know the other people? I'll bet you're not. That's an important realization. In effect, you CHOOSE to be shy when it satisfies your need to answer why you can't meet great guys!

This leads to the next step: you've got to give up the childish fantasies about what a great guy is. You can NOT use the LDR as an example because (as we've already seen) it's just that - a fantasy.

Instead, you need to open yourself up to the universe and to possibilities. Stop and think about all the guys you interact with every single day. Many you just pass on the street and many others actually talk to you. If you instantly try to compare them to your fantasy, not a single one of them will ever measure up.

So, let's say that some guy asks you out. Your response has been "no thanks" because you're looking for Mr. Fantasy. Really, no guy (not even the long-distance one) is him. Thus, you need to take the approach of seeing every new guy as a new opportunity. Thus, unless there's some huge, glaring reason (like he's a known, convicted murderer or something) you always answer with "yes!" And then, you follow through.

When you're on a date with a guy, you learn to focus on him specifically and how he fits your (very limited!) list of "must have's". I get women who come to me with lists of 100 or more "must have's". Really? No wonder their single! You should have a list, but it must be no bigger than 3-5 items. THAT'S IT! These are your deal breakers, but every other single attribute is negotiable.

You also need to learn how to flirt and STOP choosing to be "shy" (you're not). Instead, be open to possibilities everywhere and anywhere.

With that in mind, make sure you dress and maintain yourself. Don't go shopping in ratty sweats and no makeup for example. You need to be prepared because you simply don't know where this next incredible guy is going to find you!

You should also learn how to approach guys you think you may like. That doesn't mean you have to do all the work yourself. It just means you learn how to open doors - and let the guy walk through.

Finally, STOP telling yourself that "...all the great guys are taken..." It's simply not true. I talk to incredible guys every single day - and all you need is to meet one of them.


Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello again,
I agree with everything you said.  Although, even though I choose my shyness, I still think I have more anxiety than I should have with people (like with family and friends).  You have given me a lot to think about.
Which leads me to the next thing.  You point out how I need to learn how to approach a guy and flirting, which is very true.  Because sometimes there may be a guy I see that I might really like, and my first gut feeling is to run away because I have this fear I might mess up.  (I know this is irrational, and I can't practice if I run away.)
Do you have any suggestions to get over this fear?
Thank you,
(Admitting-ly, I have tried sort of "flirting" with guys, so I guess I have some experience, just not a ton. Also, admittingly, there has been a couple of times I denied someone because of the "Mr. Fantasy" thing.)
I may have this vibe (like lack of confidence or "leave me alone"), which isn't good.  In the last 5 years I have been asked out [I use that term very loosely] around 4 times.  However, before this last guy I wasn't really looking to date anyone, ever.
I now have to ponder over some things.  Thank you again, btw.

Hello again Llena!

You have abundant anxiety because that's what - and all - you've practiced. If you spent your life practicing being mute (for example) I'll bet you'd have a hard time talking too. You have to see this as the incredibly small problem that it really is. It's simply a new choice.

But, you have to actually (and actively) make that choice! From this very moment on you CHOOSE to no longer be "shy" because it simply doesn't work for you. The instant you accept that, all the anxiety goes away - *if* you follow through. You have to actually stop thinking "shy" too. Think possibilities instead. One limits (shyness) and the other opens and expands your "sphere of influence".

Consider this: shyness; just like the fear of "messing up" is all about being in your own head. It's a personal (and frankly, selfish) way to live. If you focus on being in someone else's head you don't have time for the other.

If you allow yourself to just ask, "Wow, I wonder what he's thinking and what he's like" the approach becomes damned easy! Now you can actually walk up to someone and say, "Hey, I'm Llena. What brought you out tonight instead of watching Netflix?" (or something equally silly).

Of course, then you need to follow through (again). When you focus on your own performance it's easy to think you'll mess up. Instead, focus on someone else's performance. Being genuinely interested in other people is a foundation of those we like. We want to be around people who are interested in us, right? All you have to do is to be that girl who's interested. You don't even have to be a girl who's interesting! See? Damned easy!


Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Doctor of Philosophy

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